The Terrain on LinkedIn Has Become Desolate

The jobs are not okay. Let me tell you about them in my favorite format of "ransom note."

Applying to jobs is always a nightmare but right now it’s especially demonic because—OH, my DEAR god—the job descriptions are simply not okay. They’ve gotten out of control. “But Audrey, they’ve always been like this, it’s nothing new,” yeah, okay, I hear you, that’s valid, but ACTUALLY they sort of have??? It’s a new kind of out-of-control, though. You know how there’s regular bad-funny movies and then there’s Megalopolis? It’s like that. I don’t even know what I’m looking at sometimes. I know it’s words but I’m not sure…of literally aything else.

I mean, yes, the legacy phrases are all still in use. You’re always going to find this:

JOB #1

Ah, yes, the rockstar. Everyone knows that one. It’s a classic! This has been around for a long time. Jobs are always wanting a rockstar or wizard for their employee. There’s no need for me to roast this description at this point; just acknowledge it with a respectful nod and move on. I will say that bosses don’t schedule posts, though. Scheduling posts is for the rockstar employee who gets paid bad, not the boss who doesn’t! Business. It continues, of course:

Hm. Yeah, okay, I guess I would expect that you would want your rockstar to do this. But, like, listen, literally no offense but it KIND OF seems like this is a job being advertised to an actual child? I am desperately trying not to be rude. Do you have any other descriptions of what I would be doing? Is…this a huge part of the job? I feel like there should be more. Frankly, I might be into this job if this is the main task.

You live for hashtags. You live for them. That is your life. This quality would make you a perfect candidate for employment. Okay. Well, I thought about it, and I don’t think we’re a match after all because I really don’t! I don’t live for hastags. I’m not sure there’s anyone who does, but I wish you the best of luck on your search for your rockstar.

These cute little winking job descriptions for youths are everywhere, and good for them. They are nowhere near the worst ones out there. No. There is much, much worse:

JOB #2

Oh! Ummm, I guess I do? It sort of sounds like you think I’m a golden retriever but hey man no worries! I’ll keep reading.

Huh. No, yeah, that seems fine with me. I’m “ready” to write for whatever you need me to write, as a job. Not sure why we’re acting like this is a game show, but I can overlook that I guess. I suppose I would enjoy thriving amongst the creative individuals, yes.

You’re insane. You are an Insane Person who doesn’t know, and doesn’t try to know, how anything works. You put this LITERAL BONKERS SENTIMENT at the END of your large job listing on LINKEDIN after asking me all of these questions.

No, yeah totally dude, tons of people are definitely sitting on LinkedIn, bored out of their goddamn minds and rich as hell, thinking, “Hm, I wonder if there’s an opportunity anywhere where I can master writing for interfaces? I don’t want any money for it, though. I’d rather do it for free.” There’s like one hundred million people who are doing exactly that RIGHT NOW, so I’m sure you will find someone, you absolute PSYCHO.

And speaking of absolute psychos…

JOB #3

Well, first of all, I’ve never not applied to a job harder in my life. And not because I don’t believe that life is too shot to be lazy. Life is too shot. This person—who I already know is one of Earth’s huger psychopaths—is already screaming at me and I’ve been reading the job description for .2 seconds. What are you obsessed about? Clearly it’s more than just KPIs and reaching out numbers. It’s not “just” a job? What does that mean? Are you trying to be my house?

Sir, it sounds like you are trying mission impossible me. Like it feels like we are covertly walking while you are telling me a horrible plan involving me scaling a building. I am definitely below a 6 when it comes to that, by the way! Did a bag of cocaine write this?

You use computer and phone. Sometimes you all go in pods together to focus together. Got it.

Sorry, I exploded for a second, what? What is going on here? World-class what, my man? "Maybe I’m not world-class right now (which is fine) but I need to want to become world-class? How do you become world-class? Can you tell me what is happening? For example, can you tell me if I actually just died or if what you said was real?

Thanks, AI! I am deeply afraid of you and believe you have no place in creative anything! See you at the end of the world when you’re in charge of all of us as our king!

IT CONTINUES:

Well, I’m literally not doing that and not because this might be the most insane string of sentences I’ve ever seen. I’m just not filming a video of myself for you, you crazy person! Because you are crazy! My idea job is writer, by the way! I am definitely on a scale of 1-10! My zone of genius is mostly grocery stores!

I would like to note that there wasn’t actually an address or space for you to send the video this person asked for.

JOB #4

Like what are you supposed to do if someone says this to you in real life? I’m seriously asking. This sounds like a mattress commercial came to life and tried to hire a copywriter as a trap.

It’s not all bad, though. A silver lining of looking of jobsearching is seeing all of the names of companies. As a reward for Jobs Everywhere, I would like to end this on a positive note and give an award for Best Name for a job that I came across.

Let’s hear it for:

Congratulations, Best Egg! You have the best name. Why are you named it?

Okay! Sounds good. Thanks, Best Egg!