the annual holiday letter from detective audrey p. farnsworth
the annual holiday letter
from detective audrey p. farnsworth
greetings friends and family,
it’s that time again—time for my annual holiday letter. i’ll get right into it.
this was a big year for me right from the get go, because in (as many of you know) in january i switched careers, going from 40+ years serving in law, as a lawyer, to finally following my true calling: huge spy. all of you have heard this story, so i won’t go into much detail, but it was literally january 1, 2019, and i was leaving my office in new york city, having just convinced a judge that my client, a male chef, was robbed by his brother, the defendant, who was also his twin. the judge ruled “what?” and i said “order!” and he said “that’s fine” and i said “i can’t handle THIS truth!” and everyone stood and began clapping for me so i bowed at them, and left the office for the final time. sometimes your intuition just does the work for you.
after that, i went straight to the bank—it was time to begin my new career as a spy. i had already done my research and knew that i couldn’t go back to school to be a spy, and then just figured i should… start doing it on my own. anyways, long story short, i walked into the bank, got nervous, and accidentally attempted to ROB the bank—in my anxiety rush, i (very unfortunately) confused “spy” and “thief,” so i walked in and said “this is a stick up” and, long story short, i got thrown into jail.
february through june, i spent in jail.
july marked the occasion of my big trial, and i was absolutely elated to be on the other side of the court situation (the criminal side)--the perspective was fascinating! i was sentenced to 20 years in prison without parole.
before they took me away to… go to prison, i guess… i decided to make a run for it. i knew the ins and outs of that court building so when i asked someone if i could use the bathroom, i escaped through the vents in there and climbed my way through the walls and eventually fell out the side of the building from a pipe. this wasn’t my first rodeo—i had exited the building this way before whenever i had been trying to avoid someone i didn’t want to talk to, so, honestly, it wasn’t even hard to do.
that’s when i made my way to the marina. i stole the first unmanned ship i could find and sailed it straight out to the sea. all of the sea cops were busy because someone else was, apparently, stealing a different ship at the same time, so, what can i say, i got lucky. it was all open water for me now.
august i mostly spent underwater, searching for the titanic. i know it was rumored to already have been found (and in the ATLANTIC ocean, not the pacific, where i was) but honestly i just never quite bought that, and wanted to see if i could find it for myself—which i did not. it is located (and i guess this is very widely known) underwater approximately 400 nautical miles from newfoundland, canada. c’est la vie.
september i kept sailing… west? i think? i got caught in a pretty awful storm and when it cleared up i was immediately captured by some pirates and then released 1 day later for being too annoying to them. they actually dropped me off exactly at my home because they “didn’t want to risk that i would get lost finding my home and go back to them”, like these guys really hated the fuck out of me. this made me REALLY nervous because, naturally, i was an EXTREMELY wanted woman.
luck was on my side again, it seemed, because apparently that storm i sailed through was actually a portal to the past, but not THAT far into the past—just to december 31, 2018… before i robbed the bank, and when i was just a regular lawyer not wanted for robbing a bank and then stealing a ship. i was a free woman.
anyways, january (again) through july (again) was all pretty regular. i just stayed a lawyer (yawn) and kept winning cases despite truly not knowing absolutely anything about law. i had money, i used it to get my hair cut a few times. i bought 1 plant for my apartment but it escaped and fled to my neighbor's apartment because, as she put it, i "can't have this." i think my neighbor has been stealing from me for years.
in october i turned 872 years old and celebrated at my favorite rainforest cafe location, which only still exists because i spent half my savings on keeping it open several years ago. not a day goes by when one of the servers doesn't send me an email begging me to close it down but, what can i say, i love that dang monsoon, and i love that little molten lava cake.
i slept through november, and when i awoke in december, i didn't have a job anymore. so, dear friends, i'm in the market for a new career. i'm thinking that i want to be a staff writer on a television show, so if anybody knows a guy, definitely put in a good word for me. i have plenty of tales to tell.
update from the skeleton manning the ship inside my brain: he still wants me dead! (he’s such a nut).
all right, that'll do it from me, at this time. i will be talking to you guys in the new year. this has (literally) been the longest year of my life!
spies and thieves are different things,
audrey
Audrey Farnsworth is a staff writer and editor here. She talks at @audipenny. She is working on two books, a sketch show, several other fuckin things and is currently seeking representation. She also wrote a musical called "Godzilla and His Friends Are Too Large: An Unauthorized Godzilla Musical" and is seeking a Broadway producer to cold email her and ask her for it.