uncle farnsworth's huge holiday card surprise
it's almost the new year and i'm finally ready to talk about what i got up to in 2022
Once again another year has come and gone, and Jesus Christ, this was certainly a bulbous year for me. Uncle Farnsworth has had a Large year and needs to take a long winter’s nap until at least December of next year! Before I do, however, it’s time to send my holiday card, late as always and at the most inopportune time: literally New Year’s Eve in the evening!
Let’s talk about all of the things I got up to this year of 2022 before ringing in 2023.
JANUARY
As we all recall, I last rang in the new year quite literally by being stuck inside of a huge bell that I was trying to steal from a…hm, I think it was a church? Not important.
I thought if I got the heck on in there and could tape the clapper (aka the bell’s tongue aka the part that makes the bell ding) to the side of the bell, I could more easily steal it without anyone noticing. Of course what actually happened is I got my whole body stuck inside of the bell, in-between the wall and the top of the tongue. This was not great because at exactly midnight and 2022 arrived, the bell began ringing and I just flopped all OVER the damn place in there…which was a blessing in disguise I guess, because the bell dinged so hard that I got free and fell out of it.
FEBRUARY
I spent all of February in the hospital because of the bell thing. It was a long drop.
MARCH
On March 1, I was completely healed…physically, anyway. Mentally, all I could think about is how I failed at stealing that fucking huge bell. So, as crazy as it is, I left the hospital, stopped by my apartment to check on my action figures, and went straight back to that fucking bell tower, dude. This wasn’t over and I was not about to lose this time.
APRIL
…That’s actually all I remember from March because, well, as I marched (hehe) up to that bell tower, I got clocked in the back of the head with a gigantic tube and woke up almost four weeks later in a brand new month…and in a location I hardly recognized. I was tied up to a chair and the room was very dark. It looked like an interrogation room—just me in a chair and nothing else in there—although I could distinctly see that the walls were lined with shelves. And on the shelves were…I squinted…toys. My eyes adjusted to the dark and I realized that they weren’t just toys but stuffed animals, and specifically…Disney themed stuffed animals.
Anyway, turns out I was abducted by a gang of Disney adults who had nothing to do with the whole bell thing, which was pretty surprising but that’s life for you, I guess. I guess they’d been tracking me for awhile because they got tipped off that I owned a lot of action figures and they were planning on holding me captive until I agreed to give them any Disney themed ones I happened to own. When I found that out, I was like, “What the fuck is a Disney themed action figure?” and the gang of Disney adults said in unison (I guess this is a common way of speaking for them?"): “Like, you know, Aladdin.” And I was like, “Sorry, you guys, I don’t have any Aladdin action figures.”
They didn’t believe me for some reason (??), and let me know that they “would now have to torture me” but I don’t think they understood what torture is (bless them), because all like nine of them just kept banging toy tractors together and staring deeply into my eyes while humming “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid. I went along with it and pretended to be in pain here and there because they were really trying, man, and I didn’t want them to get upset.
Eventually they stopped and asked me again if I owned any Disney themed action figures, and I said, once again, no, I didn’t. “Not even the Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast????” a small one fucking shrieked at me at the top of his lungs, and I stifled a snort laugh and replied, “No, dude. Not that one either.” One of them got in my face and shouted, “Well, what action figures DO you own, hm?” and I replied, “Batman,” and they all gagged. “I also own some Star Wars ones. That’s Disney now, right?” I offered, to which one of them replied, “Not classically Disney, though,” and I was like, ah, okay.
It was clear they were all very defeated at this point as they all hung their heads and began crying softly. “Hey, it’s okay, you guys,” I said to them, adding, “You might be able to find some of those on eBay?” And that’s when I found out that the gang of Disney adults didn’t even know what eBay was! I pulled out my phone and searched, “Aladdin action figure” and found a listing almost immediately—only $13 for almost all the guys from the movie! The Sultan, Raja, monkey in vest, parrot, all of them.
They all got pretty distracted after that with looking for treasures on eBay so I was able to sneak out by just regular walking out the front door, which had no security whatsoever and was just unlocked. Turns out they hadn’t even taken me that far either—we were maybe 50 feet away from the bell tower! Now I knew I should probably get home because my family, friends, and partner were probably pretty worried about me, but goddammit, I saw that bell up in its house and I needed to go back up there. I’d make it quick.
Once I got to the top of the tower, I wasn’t taking any chances by going back inside of that bell. I straight up just kicked it and it must’ve rusted over a bit in the rain because it fell RIGHT off and straight to the bottom of the tower. I ran down the stairs in excitement—it was mine at last. I dragged it to a nearby cafe so I could charge my phone to call a Lyft XL, and once the car showed up, me and the large bell piled into it.
My partner had thought I died but I got home just in time because he hadn’t moved yet. After crying for awhile (him, not me), he helped me roll the bell into our apartment and called my family to let them know I was okay.
MAY
I spent most of May job hunting because I guess my job also thought I died and I didn’t have a job anymore.
JUNE-OCTOBER
Pretty normal, just worked mostly. The only copywriting job I could find was for Bed, Bath & Beyond’s social media accounts, so not only was I working fucking nonstop, holy shit, I also had to familiarize myself with a lot of pillows I’d never known about before if I was going to create relatable content for the young people almost constantly.
NOVEMBER
I sold the bell on eBay. It lost its luster for me, I dunno, man. At least I made like $40 for it.
DECEMBER
I’m not sure I really did anything this month? I did get fired from Bed, Bath and Beyond though because I accidentally posted a photo of one of the managers on his break eating some soup from Panera Bread weird (I meant to send it to my dad). He was eating it with a stick? Like a regular stick, from a tree. It was bizarre. Oh, well. Here’s to a better and more restful 2023.
uncle farnsworth's huge holiday card surprise
Your uncle is clearly a fun guy, more so than the average uncle for sure. Mine had a car that also functioned as an ashtray but never got into any bell related escapades.
Sounds strangely like the dream I had last night…..