The special time of year has come again, where marketing managers everywhere find love by falling straight down a tube and into a big fucking holiday romance! Ding ding ding, it’s love o’clock, and it’s getting shoved STRAIGHT up your ass, whether you like it or not, bitch!
Perhaps you recall that last year, I physically couldn’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses. I bothered everyone constantly with new synopses of business and love wrapped in a little holiday bow (aka added to a twitter thread). Well, my friends, you’ll never believe this, but this year…I also can’t stop doing it.
This year, I’ve separated 16 brand new films into Four Classic Yuletide Categories:
Royal
Santa
Husbands & More
Plane
The reviews are already pouring in. “All of the titles are really long this year,” says one critic. “Farnsworth certainly knows how to wrangle the word ‘husband’,” says another. Without any further ado, i’ve got your news right here, pal! is proud to present the 2022 Audrey P. Farnsworth Holiday Rom Coms From Hell.
ROYAL
Christmas time at a palace is sort of like Christmas time at a regular house, except larger and the love is more expensive. Tune in this holiday season for the premieres of…
The Christmas Prince and The Christmas King, Who Are The Same This Year
When a prince falls down a well on Christmas Eve, he is transported to the royal bathroom of himself but in the future, when he is king and very sad without a wife. Can the young prince find a Christmas bride for the king, him, by enlisting the help of the royal marketing manager and falling in love with her?
The Mall Display’s Christmas Prince Surprise
When a mall manager trips on a branch in her store’s big Christmas village window display, she soars through the air and crash lands THROUGH the display and INTO the real version of the village, in the past. Can she figure out a way to get home without falling in love with their local prince, who is roaming the streets in a cloak searching for a holiday wife?
The Royal Baby Climbs Up Its Own Ass
When a marketing manager accidentally walks into the British palace thinking its a gift shop for hats, she is mistaken for the royal nanny who looks just like her and is rushed to the royal nursery because the royal baby has climbed up its own ass on purpose. Will she be able to lure the crowned babe out of its own ass without the king himself falling in love with her? And when the actual royal nanny returns from getting stuck on top of the palace, will she figure out that the marketing manager is actually her twin sister?
An Aunt for a Prince at Christmastime
When a prince accidentally drops his wife, he must figure out how to fall in love again before Christmastime, or his mother, the Queen, will perish out of yuletide sadness. But when the prince bonks his head on a local aunt, he forgets who he is and must live at her home and meet her nephew. Can the prince remember his name AND fall in love with this new aunt by Christmas to save his royal mother?
SANTA
Santa Claus is coming to YOUR town, and he has a special delivery of love. Tune in this f*ckin’ holiday season for the premieres of…
Santa Johnson Comes to Town
When the annual town “Muscle Man Christmas Pageant of New Year’s Past” arrives, an actual guy named “Santa Johnson” from the past climbs out of a hole and declares that he must be the winner of the pageant or Christ will be angry. The town is furious and asks, all at once (all of them say it at one time), “Why is that?” to which Santa Johnson replies,“Because I am the one true muscle man of New Year’s Past and the Lord agrees.” Will the town allow him to win the pageant, or will Christ Himself have to come down from heaven using a long staircase to fix the situation? And will someone become married, as well?
Scooting Up to Christmas
When a marketing manager is late to a meeting, she drives a BIRD scooter to the office in order not to miss a big presentation. But when the scooter begins flying straight up into the air, it drives her all the way to the North Pole where everyone’s like, “Where have you been?” and she’s like, “What?” and an elf screams, “YOU’RE SANTA,” and she’s like, “No, I’m not,” but it’s no use and everyone is convinced she’s Santa Claus including his wife. Can the marketing manager fulfill Santa’s duties and perform Christmas this year? And where’s Santa? Is he doing her job? Does anyone know
Everyone Deserves a Christmas Eve Meal
When a marketing manager forces her whole team to work late on Christmas Eve, a swarm of Santas arrive in the sky and circle the building. Can the Santas convince the marketing manager to let everyone go home for a Christmas Eve meal without every last one of them falling deeply in love with her and forgetting why they are there and challenging each other to a duel to the death for her love?
Santa’s Clawing At My Door To Answer My Christmas Wish
When a marketing manager makes a Christmas wish to find love on Christmas Eve, she hears something scratching at her door and wonders if it might be a boyfriend. But when she opens it, a little cat is sitting there with a note tied to its collar that says “I am actually Santa Claus but I am trapped in this little cat. I heard your wish though, so if you bring me to the city clocktower before Christmas, I will give you a boyfriend.” Can the marketing manager return Santa Claus to the clocktower in time so that magic can turn into a guy again? And where’s the boyfriend? Is he in the clock too? What’s with this [BLEEP]ing clock?
HUSBANDS & MORE
Christmas can be fun for the whole family, but have you checked your family for a husband, or perhaps more? Tune in this goddamn jolly ass season for the premieres of…
A Prehistoric Christmas
When the marketing manager of a Natural History Museum trips over a mastodon statue’s tusk and crashes through the actual floor of the museum on Christmas Eve, she somehow time travels back to prehistoric times to realize that not all dinosaur predators are bad. In fact, some…are husbands. Here she learns that sometimes it takes falling down and finding dinosaurs to realize that the true meaning of husbands is Christmas.
All of the Men Love a Soup at Christmas Time
When a marketing manager quits her job to open a soup store, she gets trapped in the basement of it on its opening day and a can of soup falls off the shelf and bonks her on the head which causes the soup and the manager to switch places. Can a soup in a woman’s body successfully run a soup store during the busy holiday season as well as fend off thousands of emotionally unavailable suitors who suddenly want to date the woman who is actually a soup because they feel like she“really listens” to them? Meanwhile, can the woman trapped in the can of soup figure out a way to climb up the stairs and fall on her body’s head, in hopes to switch back?
The Husband Pageant
When all of the women in town fall ill to a mysterious Christmas flu right before the huge fundraiser to save the town’s largest business, it’s up to the husbands to try and figure out what to do this time as far as saving things goes. The men decide to put on a pageant for husbands, believing that if they go up on stage and do little talents, money will appear. Strangely enough, all of the major talent scouts in America get word of the pageant and drive to it, audibly yelling about how, if the husbands do a good job, they will give them a lot of money. Everything seems to be going well but when the men put their heads together, literally, doing a team huddle before the big show, they all get stuck and become 12 men with heads that are glued together. It seems like The Pageant of Husbands is ruined until one of the husbands says, “Whatif we were just one husband?” and they changed the name of the show to “The Husband Pageant” and performed as one huge husband amoeba. The talent scouts loved it and paid the town enough money for it to live. Christmas was the next day and everyone had a nice time.
Christmas Came Too Early and the Wives Were Not Ready
When a group of marketing managers who are wives realize they’ve been celebrating Thanksgiving for three weeks straight on accident, they also realize that Christmas is suddenly tomorrow and they are not ready for it. But when all of their husbands climb into a huge pile and writhe around until they all switch places with each other, Christmas is tomorrow AND nobody knows whose husband is married to all of them. Can the wives become ready for Christmas by locating their specific husband? And is there a reason all of this is happening or is it normal, do you think?
PLANE
Silent plane, holy plane, planes are big, love is huge. This holiday season, get your whole ass ready for the premieres of…
The Royal Christmas Plane Mixup
When a princess gets lost on an airplane, she meets a trickster dressed as Santa Claus who convinces her that a particular door leads to the bathroom when, in fact, it leads to another plane entirely. Can the princess figure out that she is in Ohio and not London in time for Christmas? And will she even want to remember about London when she meets the love of her life inside of a Walmart she mistakes for the royal palace? Featuring the hit quote, “At Christmastime, you don’t need to be at a palace. You can just be at a place.”
A Plane in a Manger, No Room for a Plane
When a struggling store owner holds a fundraiser to save his small business that sells babies’ beds from becoming an airport, the whole town donates money and saves the day. But when a defiant plane who refuses to lose lands on top of the store anyway, the store owner must try and make the plane go away or else the store will fall down. Can the store owner break into the plane that won’t leave and force the pilot to put her plane somewhere else? Or will they fall in love and decide to unite the plane and the store after all?
He Is Certainly Just A Guy, But On Christmas…He Is A Santa
During the rest of the year, Gerald “Hog” Banks is just a regular guy, but at Christmas, he turns into the one true Santa that every wife in the neighborhood might require. Normally, his annual yuletide presence just reminds the wives of what love is and they reconnect with their husbands, but this year, Gerald accidentally falls out of his sleigh and bonks off a plane and into the town, landing directly on top of a beautiful marketing manager. Will Gerald and the manager find love together this holiday season? Or will the town’s additional wives capture them both?
The 4 Planes of Christmas Magic Begin to Rise
When a marketing manager plans the perfect office holiday party by stacking 4 planes on top of each other and making each of them different levels of , Christmas magic is accidentally ignited and all of the planes begin floating up to the North Pole. With the help of Santa Claus’s terrible step brother, Jerry, can the marketing manager lower the planes and reunite her coworkers with their families before Christmas Day without falling deeply in love with Jerry? And will she agree to being in love with him when she finds about about his Smash Mouth/Disneyland mash up cover band called “Splash Mount”?