welcome to your second edition of news, from me, audrey p. farnsworth. remember? that you signed up for this? with your coherent brain? of course you remember! you are so smart.
let’s get right into it!
today’s news: A CASE STUDY OF THE RAPTORS FROM THE JURASSIC PARK MOVIES (W/ PROFESSOR AUDREY P. FARNSWORTH)
I trip into the classroom full of students, young and old. The classroom is a gigantic lecture hall, just one of those goddamn huge amphitheaters.
Hello, students! I’m your teacher. And this is our classroom! Isn’t it big? Man, it’s like, haha, is Coldplay going to show up and do a concert here or something? Hahaha. They’re not. I don’t know them!
I smile at the class for 45 full seconds, waiting for any sort of response, but nothing comes. No one makes even one sound.
I don’t know Coldplay.
I continue smiling at the room full of students for another 57 seconds, my face paralyzed in simply the largest smile you have ever seen a human woman make, waiting for someone, anyone, to make any sound.
I mean, what is this? IMAX? Lol. It’s not.
And by the way, I actually said “lol,” as a word. This time I smile at them for only 20 seconds, until someone coughs, and I point at them.
Thanks! You’re my friend. Anyway, welcome to this one day intensive study workshop. Today, we will be conducting a raptor case study. Well, actually I already did it. You don’t even need to do anything! We will be briefly talking about the raptors from each Jurassic Park movie, and comparing them. How much money did you pay for this class, by the way? Was it more than $14? Never mind. I don’t care! Hahaha. Now, hang on just a minute--
I switch off all the lights, darkening the room entirely. We are in complete, still darkness. I flick on a projector, showing a large and violent looking photo of a raptor from Jurassic Park. I then turn on a large spotlight, directing it to light me perfectly.
There. Okay! Let’s get started. How much did you pay for this class? Did I already ask that? Never mind, hahaha. I’ll be reading my notes out loud to you. Do you like that? Don’t answer! Hahaha, don’t ever answer that, hahaha.
MOVIE: Jurassic Park
TYPE OF RAPTOR: Ultimate Villain/Possibly Satan Himself
NOTES: These raptors are the ultimate villains. From the very beginning of this film, you’re like, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING? IS THAT SATAN? IT’S EATING THAT GUY? And that’s BEFORE the movie even STARTS! And then we don’t see the raptors for like five years into the movie, but when we DO, they start off by killing the man who adores them more than anything in the whole fucking world AND by eating everything about Samuel L Jackson but HIS ARM? And then they chase Laura Dern, which is a crime. Ultimate villains. They can unlock doors! And don’t even think you can escape them by going into the ceiling—they will go right on up there, as well! Scary as shit, and good job to them!
MOVIE: The Lost World: Jurassic Park
TYPE OF RAPTOR: Fang Goofs
NOTES: These raptors were unhinged and honestly? If I am being HONEST? From an EDUCATIONAL STANDPOINT? With YOU? My STUDENTS? Sort of fucking annoying! Please don’t tell on me to the principle for saying “fucking.” Do colleges have principals? I’m not actually employed here. What? Anyway, I’m sorry but it's true, these raptors are very annoying!
We first see them flopping around in some long grass, making a bunch of guys flip comically in the air before eating them. And THEN they’re just…digging? Like, they try to dig into a shed for like nine full minutes as a little kid literally does gymnastics in it, because this is the TALLEST SHED TO EVER EXIST ON THE PLANET EARTH. And then they...walk on the roof of the shed and fall down. AND THAT’S ALL. These raptors have been hanging out in that long grass too long, man. Really can't figure out their priorities. Because of this, their archetype is, legally, “fang goofs.”
MOVIE: Jurassic Park III
TYPE OF RAPTOR: PUNK BAND RAPTORS + MANAGER RAPTOR
NOTES: The raptor saying “Alan” in the dream scene of this movie formed about 25% of my overall personality, but in my opinion they could’ve cut out the rest of the movie. In fact, when any other character says "Alan" in this movie, it's like, dude, the raptor from the beginning–who had its hands on the seat in front of it, just as a real raptor would do if it were flying on a plane–already said that, and nobody can beat his delivery. Everyone stop saying "Alan"for the rest of the movie. Just call him "Dr. Grant."
Why do these raptors have hair? They…grew hair since the last movie? All of the raptors have hair except for one raptor, who does not have hair. What this is leading me to believe is that all of the raptors with hair are in a punk band together and the one without hair is their manager.
MOVIE: Jurassic World
TYPE OF RAPTOR: A FAMILY OF MANIACS AND ONE GUY WHO MISSED THE BUS
NOTES: I can’t get a read on these raptors. They are chasing pigs? As a family? And listening to their father…who is a guy. Like, a human guy. They’re doing little horse tricks. But then! They freak out like pure fucking maniacs. And SPEAKING of MANIACS, a DIFFERENT guy wants to “use them” because he…wants them to LIKE HIM like his PET WOLF did when he…had a fucking PET WOLF? His pet wolf bit his ex-wife, by the way, and he liked that. Great guy to trust!
Unfortunately, the raptors don’t help the humans out for very long because turns out their MAIN DADDY is the NEW PSYCHOPATH DINOSAUR. Father is HERE and these raptors will only listen to him! Sorry to Christ Pratt! You can’t drive motorcycles by raptors forever, my man! Only until they Find Their True Father. That is, until they don’t like their true father anymore, and go back to their Guy Daddy. (That’s you, Chris Pratt! Congratulations, sir!).
But then, at the very end, that one raptor runs like a deranged superhero here to save the day completely on accident. It looks like it woke up 3 seconds ago and got a phone call from it’s boss saying “YOU ARE LATE FOR YOUR SHIFT” and it just took off running and, whoops, stumbled into a large dinosaur fight. It trips over its own legs because its eyes haven’t adjusted to being awake yet. It jumps on that dinosaur’s back because it thinks it’s the bus.
MOVIE: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
TYPE OF RAPTOR: THE MATH CREATOR AND THE GUN BRIDE
NOTES: In this movie, there are two sides of conflicting raptor situations. On one side, we have what appears to be a hero, and we see it as a baby and it is apparently so smart that it may as well have created math itself. On the other hand, the new super raptor is just a bigger raptor with a wig on? But apparently I guess it is also a gun. But also when it goes into the child’s bedroom and stands behind the flowing white curtains, it looks like a pure bride. Really complex raptor, contains multitudes.
I turn on the lights of the lecture hall.
Now get out. Get out of here! I don’t know any of you! I just realized that! I do not know you! Go!