attention: email is closed today
hello! it's me, audrey, back with, as always: some shit. you are receiving this email to inform you that email is closed today, as it is christmas eve. you shouldn’t receive this message, and if you do, something has gone very wrong. i interviewed myself about this.
hey. why am i getting email today?
i don't know.
ok. what do i do, though?
what? i don't know.
audrey, can you please help me? i don't want to receive emails today. it's christmas eve.
what's that.
audrey!!! help!!!!
fine. here is what you are going to want to do.
restart your computer.
go to www.bestbuy.com
buy 3 televisions
wait approximately 5-7 business days for the televisions. DO NOT open them when they arrive.
take them to a best buy location—return them.
look for a cord.
when you see one, make sure it is at LEAST $40.
bring the cord up to the nearest customer you see(donot bother the employees). present it to them in a bow, and say, kindly,“lower this price, please.”
when they say they cannot, just leave the store. you’re being annoying.
IF YOU CONTINUE TO RECEIVE EMAILS from this address or any other address today, do NOT open them. REPEAT: DO NOT OPEN THIS EMAIL.
today's shit:
i went to london for literally 1 day, and thought,“whatshould i do?” and wound up in a very regular grocery store(please arrest me). well, actually, first i accidentally walked to buckingham palace and was like, “hm, no thanks,” and THEN i went to a grocery store. listen, i don’t suggest listening to me, but i’m allowed to do whatever i want to. anyways, here’s everything you need to know about london.
look! it’s london. londonne, endlgand.
wow, london is beautiful in the winter! highly suggest a visit to this beautiful city.
all beverages in london have skeletons on them, and they are from space. london’s main products are from space. it’s very interesting, and i thought to myself,“thisis very interesting to me!”
everyone in london eats this historic asparagus soup for breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner.
as always, i was surprised to find canned soups.
the milks are only for display! welcome to london.
this was my hotel! it was cold.
this man asked me out on a date and then didn’t speak to me. he was flat and strange. i hate dating!
that's all for now. stop reading your computer. i hope whatever holiday you celebrate is very nice, and if you don't celebrate any holiday, i hope your day is regular and nice. i love you!
be right back,
audrey
CONTACT (FUN!)
IG: @audipenny
Twitter: @audipenny
Most Recent Thing: I Interviewed My Coworkers Moms And Also My Own Mom And They Put It On The Front Page Of A Running Website
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