I Am Deeply Afraid of the Ceiling TV at My Dentist
the news today is the dentist, as usual, wants me dead
I ruined everyone’s life at the dental office by showing up for my appointment again today.
As I have previously stated, I am the dentist’s most hated patient. Worst mouth in town! Everyone at the dentist’s office actually wears one of those old timey spherical diving helmets when I’m in the building, even if they are nowhere Fucking near me. It’s fine! I don’t even care anymore. Don’t look at my mouth or you’ll turn into stone.
As I approach the office, a storm begins to form inside of their buillding. Front desk employees and dental assistants run for cover. The only one who stands their ground is the dentist herself, who stares directly into my eyes through the glass as I open the front door, squinting at me like an adversary. I can tell she has been waiting to kick my fucking ass all day long.
And I’m going to let her.
I take my place in the dentist’s chair, lean back…and notice a flat screen television strapped to the ceiling, directly above my head.
“Would you like to watch TV?” the dental assistant says, muffled by the huge antique diving helmet he’s wearing. I stare at him and reply:
“Oh, haha! WHOA! Haha, I’ve never seen that before! HAHA.”
My voice is five octaves higher than normal and one might confuse me for someone who has never seen anything before. It also might confuse someone into thinking that I was excited about the television positioned directly over my head, flanked by two of the brightest lights I’ve ever seen in my life. But make no mistake: This was fear.
The teeth assistant thinks I love it, which, good, I’m glad, nothing weird going on with me, sir, about this! I love this and definitely do not fear it for no reason. He replies, “Haha, yeah, it’s new. We’ve got Netflix, so you’ve got lots to choose from!” He then hands me a remote and sprints away, running straight through the wall and down the street before disappearing completely. (I told you—they fucking hate my mouth, dude).
I choose to watch “Penguin Town,” a Patton Oswalt-narrated documentary about a town full of famous penguins. They leave me there for what feels like 45 minutes. And the only thing going through my head the whole time was that fucking TV is going to fall on me and kill me.
Irrational? Sure. But actually…IS IT? Fucking IS IT? Like, they put it there, and how much do I trust THEM? These guys hate my mouth for no reason!!! And now they put a goddamn TV over my head and I’m NOT supposed to think that it’s going to fall on me and kill my ass? I’ve seen every Final Destination, it’s not NOT possible, all right???
I mean, look. Look at this ceiling. It’s one of those floppy ones! That’s a stupid ceiling right there! That’s like a middle school ceiling that flops around!!! And you secured a TV into it? Like, okay, I’m sure it’s fine and you did it correctly, but also, IS IT AND DID YOU?
I’m not a ceiling expert, or a TV expert, or an expert on fucking buildings or putting anything together ever, but I AM an expert on knowing when something’s fuckin’ weird. This—that, above, right there, the whole situation—is weird! It looks stupid, hahaha. It does! It just LOOKS wrong, lmao, I’m sorry! “I’m sorry” about that.
I’ve had friends talk about watching Netflix at the dentist but I DIDN’T THINK THE TV WOULD BE SO MENACINGLY PLACED. Although, I don’t know why I didn’t think that, because where else would it go? On the wall, I guess? Does it have to be RIGHT over my HEAD?
I tried to enjoy the little penguins flopping around their town on their bad legs, but it only lasted a couple seconds before the thought of the large flat electronic positioned directly above my head falling on me and crushing my face kicked the penguins clean into space and out of my mind.
Like—(sighs deeper than the whole ocean stacked on top of itself)— is THIS how I go? While watching “Penguin Town” on a TV strapped to the ceiling? And it fucking falls on my head? And the whole time I’m wearing a bib???? I’m wearing an adult medical bib! And doofy glasses to protect my eyes from…a dentist’s hands!
Fuck the glasses, I’ll take a dentist’s hand punching me in the eye anyday over a television falling into my face. And, frankly, if you’re going to hang a whole TV over my head, give ME one of those old timey diving helmets shaped like a sphere THAT YOU GUYS ALWAYS WEAR WHEN I COME IN FOR MY APPOINTMENTS BECAUSE YOU HATE MY MOUTH SO MUCH.
(pants for 45 seconds, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath)
It didn’t fall on me, clearly. Okay??? Fine. My horrible mouth lives to bite another day. I’ll have to go back there in a few months, though, and that TV will have had more time to sit up there with our old friend gravity. And gravity doesn’t want that guy up there, dude. Gravity looks at that ceiling TV and chuckles to itself.
As someone whose hatred of the dentist is a mutual deal, this was maybe my favorite thing I’ve read on Substack. 11/10.