i am losing precious moments of my life to the grocery store and that's fine
hello!
did you forget you were subscribed to this? i'm sorry about that. audrey here, back with some shit for you, and specifically for your email. as always, as i have always done, every time i send this newsletter, which is all the time, let's start with some questions you might have.
why do you call this a weekly newsletter if you send it like once every like 4 years?
WOW. wow. okay, wow. that's rude.
can you answer the questi--
okay, FINE, i forgot about it. i forgot about this.
wow.
oh, get off of my ass.
geez!
sorry! that was harsh. it's fine.
are you okay?
yeah, i'm great. how are you?
good.
cool.
are you going to keep forgetting about this newsletter?
no.
...really?
i don't know. maybe sometimes. but then i'll remember again.
ok. can you show me a photo of your parents' dog, Tiki, wrapped in a dish towel?
yeah.
thank you. she's perfect.
i know. you're welcome.
THIS WEEK'S SHIT
i'm going to talk to you about something extremely important to me: grocery stores.
i cannot go into a grocery store without spending an extremely, like actually alarming, time inside of it. i can't. i've tried. there are too many things available in there, and, frankly, i like most of them. but which of them do i want to BUY? okay, well, i can't just DECIDE THAT IN 2 SECONDS. i'm not made of money! give me a minute or 40 to THINK. i have to be very discerning, and sometimes that means walking back and forth between items and driving myself insane. this is very normal! happy to announce that i am a Very Normal Lady, who does very normal things.
i love all of them--the stores, that is. if it is technically considered a grocery store, i love it. let us discuss them briefly, shall we?
ralph's
the kroger brand of grocery stores: it's fine. ralph's is fine! regular grocery store, nothing special, but also, sometimes there is a starbucks in there, where grocery store employees work at. i have personally befriended many grocery store baristas (i'm serious-- happy to announce that one of the baristas at the ralph's by my home that i visit sometimes in the morning literally said the words, "hello friend!" to me just a few days ago. fucking hell yes, dude). ralph's is accessible and regular. is it exciting? no. but it's fine.
von's
i used to work at a starbucks next to a von's and i went there every fucking day for 2 years (usually twice a day) and honestly any time i see a von's now, i become annoyed. no. thank. you. i have lost years of my life to von's, and i will NOT lose any more. i'll lose years of my life to *other* grocery stores instead, god dammit. but not you, vons. not anymore. i won't even LOOK at a von's. i am blind to them. if there's a von's nearby, all i see is like a black hole, and i'm like, "oh shit, is the world ending?" and then i'm like "oh dang, no that must be a fucking stupid von's."*
*not being dramatic at all and telling the complete truth, actually
trader joe's
literally the best place in the world. next.
whole foods
the fancy mansion i like to go to and pretend i'm Just One Of The Crowd, here at this mansion, filled with treats and dresses that cost $80. amazon mansion. jeff bezos lives in the attic of all of them (yes there's attics, and they're very VERY nice). you can't see it but you're just not looking hard enough. they recently fixed their iPhone app, which used to be embarrassing and shitty, and now you can get extra deals if you are an amazon prime member, which i fucking i am, i mean, obviously. i love deals. 5% off? okay, well, that sucks, but, hey, it's something... is what i continue to tell myself (and still don't really believe).
gelson's
fuck off. i love you, but fuck off.
bristol farms
everything is encrusted with sapphires in this grocery store and that's why nothing costs under $75. there is one person who manages every single one of them and he is an actual king.
365
oh my christ, what the fuck. what the fuck is this. heaven? is this heaven? baby whole foods in an old warehouse? whole foods in a big-ass metal shack. A+. the "365" sign resembles something at disneyland. what are you trying to do to me with this. i love it! PERFECT job! sometimes i stand outside of this store and clap.
instacart
is my house. i like this one best now, honestly. because frankly? i'm exhausted. just bring them. here's a fee. here's a tip. i'm fucking tired.
today's grocery store story: whole foods
and now, a brief tale of today's grocery store experience: today i went to whole foods and let one of the beauty experts spray a toner on my face because i am a Fucking Moron and now there is so much oil dripping down my face i feel like i'm an active volcano. it's everywhere. i can't see out of my glasses because somehow it got onto there too. and then i... almost bought it????? i HATED it and i still almost bought it. why?? why, audrey? thank god it came out to EIGHTY DOLLARS (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) at checkout so i felt ABSOLUTELY FINE being like "i'm sorry... i thought those were on sale?" and the checkout guy was like "i guess not" and i was like "(shoves them up his ass)" I'M JUST KIDDING, i just said i didn't want them. i spent 1 full hour there and bought a bowl of spiraled zucchini for approximately one thousand dollars and ate ALL of it in approximately 3 minutes, immediately after leaving the store. it was a pointless hour of my life and i'll never get it back.
so, like i said: i've lost fucking months of my life to grocery stores. and i'll continue doing so until the end of time. thanks for reading my diary email and have a nice day.
brb,
love always,
your friend,
audrey