I Could Put on a One-Woman Show That’s Just Me Telling You About the Movie “Pearl Harbor” Like I’m a Grad Student Giving a Speech
This is a threat! And a dissertation.
The news today is that I am threatening you…with a good time, that is!
I recently re-watched the not-Titanic historical love triangle bonanza Pearl Harbor, which is, obviously, a movie “about” Pearl Harbor…except it’s not. It’s REALLY not.
Look, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I want to get on a stage and tell you about a war movie for an hour. I don’t want to do that. That would be terrible! But here’s the thing: The parts of this movie that are about actual Pearl Harbor are basically wearing one of those Instagram filters that makes your nose look WAY too thin and blurs your whole face to the point where you look like a glowing 17 year old.
This whole movie is a caricature of itself. It’s wearing a costume OF itself, for some reason, which, like? Dude? You don’t have to do that, lol. You are already you. And now you’re wearing a suit of you, as well? It’s too much! And if that’s not bad enough, sometimes it tries to put another costume on OVER the costume of itself it’s already wearing, and that costume is Titanic! So now this movie’s walking around wearing a costume of itself AND a costume of another movie that’s also a ship, and oh my god, it’s just tripping all over the place. But also smiling very smugly, like a big winner?
When a movie wears a costume of itself, it sort of looks like a floppy blob monster tumbling slowly down the street while muttering “Lights, camera, action” in a very low-pitched but extremely loud voice. The acting reminds me of a high school play, but one where Alec Baldwin stomps around, turning his head rapidly like a captain to respectfully scold Ben Affleck for being like a badass but also a son to him. It’s deeply, DEEPLY fascinating how bad this film is. And I love that. I love it so much.
So that brings me to my huge proposal. I would like to excitedly tell you about what happens in this movie. Please keep in mind that I can’t tell you even one thing about the events of Pearl Harbor based on watching Pearl Harbor. So we’re sort of just going to gloss over them (like the movie does!) and focus on what truly matters: the actual stupidest love story I have ever—EVER—seen in my life.
Now, I’m going to need you to use your imagination a little bit here. This is the scene I want to set: I am standing at a podium on a stage, like a grad student about to give the hugest speech of their career to a bunch of professors (that’s you). I am wearing a full suit and, frankly, I look like an intelligent archeologist (but the Film kind).
*Please note that I do not like being rude to films! Every film is a special friend. It’s not my fault this movie is so fascinatingly bad that I literally have to do this or I’ll explode.
***
Good evening to my fellow colleagues and esteemed members of the board and other guests. I would like to thank you for coming to this…event…I’m doing. Let’s waste no time and get started right away.
(I dim the lights and click on a projector that beams the movie poster of Pearl Harbor largely onto the wall)
(I take a deep breath and look very intelligent, and then I open my mouth and all of this is said like one extremely long sentence in a very high pitched voice)
So Kate Beckinsale meets Benny Affy because she’s a nurse and he’s a pilot and they have the most romantic month of their lives and are so in love it’s actually insane. But then he signs up to go fight nazis and is like “Okay I am going to go but my god I love you and also let’s not have sex until I am back from war” (??) and she’s like okay I love you. But then his plane gets shot down and they think he died! So she hides away for three months because so sad. But then she and her nurse friends get sent to work at Pearl Harbor and SO DOES Benny A’s BFF from forever, Josh H. He and Kate hug—they are so sad about Ben!! But then—oh my god—they start to like each other. And they’re like oh no I can’t, but their friends are like yes you can do it, he’s gone, fuck it. And then he’s like ok and they go on a date in a plane then come back and have sex in a parachute…area. The parachute area looks like a stage in a high school auditorium, by the way.
Okay so now THEY are in love! And it’s the most love anyone has ever loved. But then guess what bitch, BENNY IS BACK, HE DIDN’T DIE! And although he’s been gone for like 4 (?) months, he thinks nothing changed, but sorry, it did. He sees Josh H and is like you and then they fight at a bar. Then Ben says to Kate why you like him now and not me, hm??? and Kate is like because I am pregnant with his baby! So I love him! But also? I will always love you. Then later, Josh is like, Kate, I think you love Ben more than me!! and Kate is like No, I love you and he’s like :( I don’t know…
And then PEARL HARBOR HAPPENS so they can’t think about that problem anymore! The guys fly planes in the air and help (?) as Kate and the other nurses triage…literally everyone, my god this is the most horrific shit ever. BUT DON’T WORRY!!! WE DON’T SEE ANY OF IT!!! They kind of blur things out so you can’t see the actual horrific hell carnage happening in the midst of an actual war with constant bombings and show people just running around. THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT, SORRY. BACK 2 LOVE CITY POPULATION 3.
So then Ben and Josh go to be in another fight and Josh gets fatally injured!!!! And Ben is like you can’t die, Josh!! You’re going to be a FATHER!! And Josh is like—and I cannot believe this is a line— “No…you are.” NO YOU ARE. NO, YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE FATHER. NO. YOU. ARE.
No, you are.
And there we have it. The romantic moment in every love story where one man gives his girlfriend to another man, who used to be her boyfriend. And everything is okay. It’s like a villager popping their head out of a window and alerting the town, “The one guy said it’s fine that his girlfriend marries this other guy!” and someone walking by is like, “Cool, did anyone ask her, though?” and the first villager is hanging over his window asleep.
Of course, no one had to ask her, because she is down 2 clown, baby. Ben comes back carrying Josh’s coffin and Kate is like oh no one of my boyfriends died but also it’s fine because my other boyfriend is here and they are friends. So, it’s settled. Kate will marry Benny A. I mean, honestly, Ben and Josh are sort of the same guy anyway so it’s like, probably fine? There’s a chance she wouldn’t have noticed if she just married both of them and sometimes one was there and sometimes the other was there. But Josh died, so now the baby is named Josh. Which means Josh is sort of still here!!! Right? And that’s the movie.
Thank you.
**
So, there you have it. My first transcript of my soon-to-be one-woman show. You’re welcome about having a first look at it! I’ll see you at the theater. And always remember: No, you are.
No, I am