i keep finding "ID cards" i made myself when i was a kid
the news today is i must identify myself to you
The other day, I found an “I.D. card” I made in 4th grade, hidden deep within my mom’s desk. It was created to show that I was an official Spice Girls fan.
As you can see, the important information to prove my identification as an Official Spice Fan is my first name, birthday, the exact month I started knowing about the Spice Girls, and that my “fave girl” is Sporty Spice. Of course, as expected, there is also a school photo of me placing my hand delicately on a tree.
The back of the card is the creed I vowed to honor. I promised to stay loyal to the Spice Girls no matter what. And no matter what happens—be it a thick situation or a thin one—I will always, ALWAYS have Girl Power. I signed it to make it truly official.
And then it was so.
Believe it or not, I stayed true to this promise! For example, a few months ago, I bought Spice World, the movie, on eBay. I recently bought Melanie C’s autobiography (staying true to my fave girl). I own multiple Spice Girls t-shirts. I did it! I kept my Fucking promise via mind AND capitalism. How adorable I was. I made a Spice Girls I.D. card. Cute!!
Or was it? Because the next day, I found ANOTHER “I.D. card” I made as a kid. And this one was…much more confusing.
Hollywood Member I.D. card. “Hollywood Member I.D. card?” What? What does that mean? What is that long number with dashes and a straight up “|”? What is this, little Aud? Can you explain this to me? Ah, wait. Maybe the other side of the card will give us some context!
Nope. It doesn’t. Not one bit. I’m more confused, frankly. What is going on here? Okay, so…I am a member of Hollywood (general). My phone number is here (actually, it’s my parents’ landline). And you know what this item is because it clearly says “ID” in the corner, in a little square.
But let’s address the real elephant in the room here. It is, of course, this:
I can’t actually get into this as a whole, though. I have to separate it because that’s how upset it makes me.
Let’s start with this. “Known movie.” Known movie! What…is that. The movie I’m known for as a “Hollywood member?” Or are they just movies that I know? “Known movie” as a field on an identification card is unhinged and frankly, I am elated to see that I was just as insane back then as I am now. Known movie.
Who did I even present this to? In what situation would I have needed to present this I.D. card? Would a security guard check this to see what my known movie was? Are there unknown movies? Did I think that actors had known movies and secret ones?
So, okay! Known movie. No one knows what that means. Let’s get to the most disorienting aspect of this situation. Let’s cut the shit, we all know what it is.
My “known movie” is “Lost in Space/Death of Titanic.”
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……
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What? Little Aud…what? First of all, that’s definitely two movies. Let it be known that I truly do not know what the hell "Death of Titanic” is (is it regular Titanic?). My guess is that it was a nonexistent movie I made up about the Titanic sinking, that was released around the same time as actual Titanic, as a rival. (Seems like something I would do, IDK).
But, bitch, let me make one thing very clear: I ABSOLUTELY know what Lost in Space is. I was, of course, referring to the 1998 Lost in Space movie starring Matt LeBlanc. That’s the movie I was a Hollywood member about!!!! LOST IN FUCKING SPACE STARRING JOEY TRIBBIANI.
I was disturbed for a moment until I remembered something. Please see the circled portion of this Letterboxd review:
This fear I write about in this is valid. I believe this film actually was formative to my child brain, and something having to do with it still lives within me at this time. This movie put something into my head that can only be described as a rogue freak. One completely insane brain cell without any morals or consideration of society in general! An outlaw with terrible opinions! Its location is never known. It ping-pongs around my brain freely, silently wreaking havoc in seemingly small, unnoticeable ways. And these ways will eventually add up to something sinister, most definitely.
I believe the creation and overall existence of this I.D. card was the first effect of whatever, fucking, bonkers brain cell (BBC) formed due to my inexplicable love of the movie Lost in Space. It’s physical proof that something was thrown off course. And unless I shrink an adventurer and make him go inside of my head and search for this BBC, all I can do is accept it. And await its next move.
Something tells me that this brain cell is the reason I watched Dead Silence (2007 ventriloquist horror movie) four times in one week a few months ago…
At least you didn't have identity issues. Also now is the time for a Titanic sequel with your title, quick write the screenplay now, and don't forget the giant squid scenario.
Could it be that your father told you “Lost in Space” bedtime stories?