I Need to Talk to You About the Movie Where an Elevator Is a Murderer
Take my hand and let's go on a magical journey together where I use a lot of exclamation points
You know that feeling where you feel like you’re going to explode because you have so much to say about a specific thing but there’s literally no time or place or person who would have the bandwidth to withhold all of it? That’s how I feel about the 2001 killer elevator movie simply called Down.
This is your chance to run. Run far away from this place and do not hear about this elevator movie! Go! Hurry!
For those of you still with me, put your little seat belt on and give it a little tug to show me you’re secure. You all strapped in? Great.
I had never heard about Down until very recently. Why had I never heard about Down? It’s a wannabe blockbuster about a killer elevator! This certainly SOUNDS like something I, an alive person with bad interests comparable to moderate psychopath, would know about! AND I checked on Letterboxd and…no one I knew had seen it either! Am I the first person to watch Down?
I might be. First of all, this movie basically never existed, despite technically being a remake of a tamer and less terrible Dutch film (The Lift, 1983). It debuted at Cannes in May of 2001 and was released in the Netherlands on September 6, 2001. Its US release was canceled. They just quietly flopped it onto DVD in 2003.
Why did they do this? Well, this movie contains a stew of coincidental references that are disconcerting at best and Very Fucking Weird at worst in relation to actual world events occurring at the time. There are lines of dialogue in this film—and I will NOT repeat them—that make you shout, “WHOA, WHOA, WHOA JESUS YIKES.” And honestly? The movie is just really BAD, dude! Like, I love bad movies but a fucking DOG dies in this! That SUCKS. That’s bad and NOT in a fun way!
Okay, but, uh... hear me out. First—hang on—let me do a quick costume change to become this movie’s defense lawyer. Actually, let’s just go ahead and set the scene properly. Just go with me on this!!!
INT. COURTROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER, AFTER I’M DONE CHANGING CLOTHES
I enter the court from one of the side doors(?), immediately tripping over my own foot and yelling “Oh no!” The jury glares at me. The judge glares at me. Someone coughs (I don’t know who). I clear my throat and straighten my tie.
ME, THE LAWYER: Your honor, people of the court, and great citizens of the jury, I know the movie Down is not good. Anyone with eyes knows that.
Everyone stares at me. I begin to pace, smartly.
ME (LAWYER): But consider this. It’s ALSO a movie where Ron Pearlman shouts, “IF YOU CAN’T TRUST ELEVATORS, WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU TRUST????” to a bunch of businessmen who all inexplicably hate elevators!!!
There are a few light laughs from the courtroom.
ME, THE LAWYER: SEE? Do you see the dilemma here? You can’t deny the power of a statement like that! It’s the exact kind of stupid that I truly believe could save the world when done right!
SOMEONE FROM THE COURT’S AUDIENCE STANDING UP ALL OF A SUDDEN: But it wasn’t done right! This movie sucks!
JUDGE: Order!
ME THE LAWYER, POINTING AT THE YELLING GUY: Yes it does, but the foundation is there. And if someone else can get inspired by this, and do it right—
I flip over the table of the opposing lawyer.
ME THE LAWYER, POINTING AT THE JUDGE: No order!
A security guard grabs me and tries to drag me out of the courtroom but I am wiggling like a little snake and he can’t keep hold of me.
ME THE LAWYER: When I watch a movie like this, I feel like I am a hero! I feel like I can lift a building with my bare hands! It legitimately sucks!
The security guard looks to the judge for any sort of guidance. The judge shrugs.
JUDGE: Ms. Farnsworth, the court can’t tell if you are defending this movie or saying that no one should watch it.
ME THE LAWYER: EXACTLY.
The judge takes off his tiny little glasses and rubs his forehead like a tired manager.
JUDGE: Can you please just explain to us what happens in this movie without being so longwinded we begin to hate our lives?
I have already set up a slide projector showcasing excerpts of my original review for Down.
ME THE LAWYER: Judge, will you please hit the lights.
The baliff goes to switch off the lights.
ME AND I AM STARING AT THE JUDGE: NO. I want him to do it.
The baliff and the judge look at each other confused. The judge shrugs and slowly walks his robed ass over to the light switch. My gaze follows him the whole time. He swtiches off the lights and looks at me.
JUDGE: Happy?
ME: Thank you so much! Now, will everyone please refer to the text being projected in front of you. We will start from the beginning.
Down begins with two bellboy looking motherfuckers on the balcony of a big big building (BBB, or even B of a BBB) using binoculars to stare into the apartment of an old man having sex with two women. This is apparently a normal Thursday activity for this man AS WELL AS the guys doing the binoculars and watching him. They are peverts for awhile until their boss calls them and is like, “Hay r u guyz doing ur job?” and they’re like, “Ya” and go inside to take the elevator (our villain).
Then a bunch of lightning happens which makes the elevator come alive or something. I have no idea. There’s really no way of actually knowing, do not come at me! One of the binocular boys gets chomped but survives—the elevator just inexplicably bends his flashlight (????). The next morning, the news is like, “tHeRe WaS mOrE LiGhTnInG tHaN eVeR bEfOrE iN nEw YoRk CiTy LaSt NiGhT” like it’s the most insane thing to ever happen to any city.
This movie, and it’s smirking at me: There was a lot of lightning last night. It might’ve…AFFECTED something…u scared, bro?
Me: Not really dude lol
This is the type of movie that, I’m convinced, if it was sentient and I rejected it in any way, it would call me a bitch, like, because I’m a woman. It gives off that kind of 2001 vibe. Anyway, the next victims are a bunch of pregnant women who all get stuck in the elevator and start giving birth and being very warm.
The guys who manage the building are all up in arms because “thousands of people use those elevators every day” and apparently if one elevator is not working, “they lose money.” ?????? Who does? There’s like four other elevators, can’t they use one of those? Literally AS THESE GUYS ARE SAYING THIS, people are using the other elevators. Anyways, pretty soon the binocular boys are back and one of them gets their head chopped off by the elevator in what is the slowest death to ever be in a movie.
What happens next is oddly fascinating because we get a look inside the world of Big Elevator. First we see a bunch of Building Bigwigs talkin’ about how they hate elevators and “don’t trust them” and EVERYONE is smoking cigars. “These goddamn elevators,” one of them says, in a rage. These building bigwigs need their buildings to work and elevators—generally!!!—are fucking everything up! And let me remind you that only one elevator is being a huge problem!
A boss smoking a cigar inside, to his cigar-smoking boss friends: I don’t like elevators. In fact, I hate them.
One of the other bosses by him: Elevators are known to decapitate you.
And then, get Fucking ready, bitch. Because here comes Elevator Manager Ron Pearlman who makes the boss from Spider-man who yells about needing pictures of spiderman look like a little shy boy holding a balloon. He is PISSED OFF that elevators are getting a bad rap because—and I fucking quote— “We live in a vertical world.”
We live in a vertical world!!!!!
This movie has the confidence of a pure psychopath. It loves itself! It thinks it’s a big manager who just won a strength competition. Really, it’s a desk chair, but that’s okay—I love the confidence. I am eating this movie’s confidence with a spoon as a wonderful snack. It’s convinced I care about elevator repairmen driving around in a car and talking about how elevators have a mechanical part and an electronic part! It’s just telling me about elevators for a very fucking long time! IT THINKS I LIKE THAT!!!
They eventually hold an elevator murder press conference, of course, in which all of the building and elevator bigwigs talk about how no one should worry about elevators ever because they are “one of the safest means of transportation.” And then a million people get into THE ONE BAD ELEVATOR at one time and it goes ALL the way up and the FLOOR FALLS DOWN! SO EVERYONE FALLS! A CHILD falls to its death and they SHOW IT! The confidence of a psychopath, I tell you!!!
This movie, smirking and showing me the most insane thing ever: And how about THIS, hm???
Me, and I am laughing: Lmao just fucking LMAO JUST FUCKING STOP IT LOL
This movie, thinking it’s really scaring me: Ya that’s right! I’m freaking u out!
Me, taking this movie by its collar and shoving it up against the wall and I am still laughing: STOP it hahaha. Stop it, just stop lol. Hahahaha
It doesn’t listen to me, of course. Instead, a bunch of guys with guns sprint into the building to, I don’t know, shoot the elevator? Is that what they’re going to do at this point? Jesus Christ, just shoot the elevator or make it grow arms and reach out and grab everyone. Fuck it.
…And let me tell you what, both of those things DID happen. The elevator reached its tentacles out and grabbed a guy and then everyone shot the elevator and it died.
Any questions???
Huh. Okay, I guess I talked a little too long about Down. Sorry! Um…I’ll just pack up my slide projector and go. Hey does anyone know how long I’ve been talking? What year is it?
Right. Okay! See you guys later, haha. Ah. Damn.
Going to look into the middle distance today and say ‘this is a vertical world’