I Review My Own Christmas Themed Horror Movie Ideas From 2 Years Ago
welcome to your 5th edition of news. wait is it the 5th? christ i don't know. welcome to the news
In July of 2020, I REALLY wanted to write a Christmas themed horror anthology series…for like three days. I was stuck inside of my parents’ house, quarantining it the fuck up, and entertaining myself. Some of the ideas were pretty good! I mean, not like “good” like “someone will make this” but “good” like, “wow, I really fucking made myself laugh and fuck, man, that rules HARD.” And others were simply dumb as hell. Also fine!!
I am going to share some of them now. I’m not changing any of these! I am leaving them exactly as they were created, preserved in their original, terrible forms. However, what I am going to do…is review them.
Oh! But, what I’m ALSO going to do is be kind to myself, in these reviews. Honest! But kind. Okay? Okay.
I would like to proudly present, a new series: Audrey Farnsworth Reviews Her Own Movie Ideas From Before. That’s what we’re going to call this. It’s a series now. It’s a “series” in my newsletter. That’s a thing! That’s a fucking thing, okay, here we go!
1. “What Child IS This? What CHILD…Wait. That’s No Child!”
SYNOPSIS: A woman is headed to the hospital on Christmas Eve to be with her sister who is currently in labor. When she gets there, she finds out that her sister has given birth to actual Santa Claus…but no one seems to notice this but her? Like the mom doesn’t realize she is holding regular sized Santa Claus.
MY REVIEW: Hm. Well, the title is very long and uses a LOT of punctuation. Titles don’t usually even have one punctuation, but I do like the experimentation with that! Also, in addition to the punctuation, you also have…italics? Which…You know what? Fuck it, who gives a shit, I would watch this. Good job! I’d love to know where this goes. I’ll have to ask myself about that sometime!
2. “Happy Birthday to God, Who Was Born on Christmas Day!”
SYNOPSIS: Satan wants a hand in Christmas this year because he feels left out, and decides to “throw a party for God” for “his birthday” but none of the other devils know what that means…and apparently it’s that Satan thinks Christmas is God’s birthday. Naturally, all of the devils are afraid to correct him, especially because he truly hasn’t had such a twinkle in his eye for, geez, years, probably? So, everyone just goes along with it. But when the party happens, God shows up super confused holding the invite and going, “What? Christmas isn’t my birthday?? What is WRONG with you?” and Satan is EMBARRASSED.
MY REVIEW: Okay, I LOVE what you’re doing here with this. Really, really great. However, there’s just one thing, so, the thing is…I think this is actually just The Nightmare Before Christmas? Like this is sort of already a movie. Not exactly, but you pretty much just wrote the plot to your actual favorite movie from childhood, dude. It’s all good, though, no worries! You’re good, man. Love that God shows up to his birthday, love that he’s still holding the invite. But, yeah, this is The Nightmare Before Christmas.
3. “The Phantom of the Manger”
SYNOPSIS: A nativity scene set outside of a church is haunted by a phantom who is set on making the washed up actress playing Mary his bride. He lures her down below the manger into his twisted labyrinth with his sweet songs, promising her the“role of a lifetime” and that she can trust him because he’s a “big Hollywood guy.” This is essentially “Phantom of the Opera,” but set beneath a plastic manger outside a church.
MY REVIEW: Audrey! My darling. You already mentioned this but…this literally IS just The Phantom of the Opera. You just wrote ANOTHER one of your favorite things!!! Lol!!!!!! It’s okay! I really like how you changed it, though, I think we could pitch this as an “updated” version of The Phantom of the Opera in an alternate universe!
4. “Do They Know What Christmas Is At All? No But Do They?”
SYNOPSIS: A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house to meet them for the first time on Christmas, and they clearly do not know what Christmas is AT ALL. As confused as she is, the boyfriend tells her, “Yeah, this is just how it’s always been around here! They’re so weird, it’s not a big deal, just humor them for me, please?” and she’s like, “We came here for Christmas but they have never heard of Christmas?” and he’s like yeah and she’s like, “Do YOU know what Christmas is?” and he’s like not really. So the answer is no, they do not know what Christmas is at all. Should they be from hell? wait i can’t ask a question in this, it’s a synopsis
MY REVIEW: Great title. Again, lots of punctuation, but you know what? It works. As for the actual synopsis…you know what? Sure. It’s fine. Are they aliens? It kind of sounds like they’re aliens. Is that where you were going with this? I mean, clearly you had no idea because you ended it with a question, but, hey man, that’s why I’M here to help! I’m you, but now! Anyway, to answer your question in this synopsis, me from two years ago, no, they should not be from hell. They should be aliens. You are so good at writing movies!
5. “Up on the House Top, Knife! Knife! Knife!”
SYNOPSIS: It’s Christmas Eve and a little child cannot get to sleep—she is too excited about Christmas. Soon she hears the pitter patter of hooves on the roof, but wait… is it hooves? Or is it… something else? It’s something else. It’s: knives. And they want inside the house! Bonus: They are singing knives.
MY REVIEW: Okay…I LOVE this. Don’t change a thing. It’s perfect! I’m serious! I am coming BACK to this one, let me tell you what! This is what you call a “work in progress,” my friends!
NEXT TIME ON “AUDREY FARNSWORTH REVIEWS HER OWN MOVIE IDEAS FROM BEFORE,” we’ll take a look at a Christmas themed horror short idea that actually made it to script form (that I did NOT include here because the synopsis is fucking 1,033 words long), where one of the characters is named “HEAD HELL GOOSE.”
I was cracking up as I read this to my wife this morning to wake her up. She kept saying, "What is this! Stop!" but I couldn't stop and also couldn't breathe because I was laughing too hard. Anyway, you literally killed me AND ruined my marriage, so good job!