I Think About the "Signs" Birthday Party Alien Every Day of My Life

The news today is the "Signs" birthday alien

I think about the birthday party Signs alien every day.

You know the guy! This bitch, right here!

Really, I am always thinking about him. There’s a lot to consider.

First, let’s consider the logistics of the whole situation: That guy had no idea what he was doing. Which, to be fair, makes sense—when you’re scoping out a new planet, chances are you’re gonna get lost a few times, and maybe you wind up inside of a bush at a birthday party. But what makes even MORE sense is that you, in particular—and I’m speaking directly to this alien now—would get lost. Why? Well, because you chose to arrive and try to take over a planet made up mostly of water while being deeply allergic to water in the sense that if it even touches you, your fucking skin falls the fuck off. Not a good start, as far as invasions go, my idiotic friends! Not a good start when you Choose A Planet made up mostly of the thing that makes your goddamn SKIN fall OFF.

(Seriously, what the hell? Is this the first time these aliens found out about water? Like, they straight up didn’t know about it before? Because that would make sense, but like?????? IDK, man, I assumed “water” was a thing aliens would know about, generally…but maybe that is me being ignorant.)

Anyway, it’s clear as hell that this species, as a whole, doesn’t exactly think shit through. And this guy—this birthday party guy, with his luxurious arms—is the perfect representation of his kind. He arrived to do some recon and wound up at a child’s party, then hid in some bushes because many tiny beings were screaming at him. You chose the wrong area, my man! Just like you ALL chose the wrong planet!

And I am NOT saying “you chose the wrong planet” like I’m the president in an invasion movie valiantly telling the aliens that “they messed with the wrong species” or something and that the mighty USA humans will defeat them. No, lol, I am perfectly aware that humans—especially USA humans—are stupid as shit. I am saying it because OUR PLANET IS LIKE OVER 70% WATER, AND YOU CAN’T BE BY THAT OR ELSE YOUR SKIN!!! FUCKING!!! FALLS!!! OFF!!!!!!! That would be like humans choosing a planet where 80% of it is currently on fire!!!

The birthday party alien knew he fucked up, though. That’s why, suddenly, he was just like Fuck It and left his bush, crossed an alley with limbs’ a swingin’, and sneered at the small beings. Look at him again. Look at his sneaking legs.

Here he is again.

He made it their problem. He showed the children his tall body and looked at them REAL mean like this whole thing was their fault. They weren’t supposed to be there and ruined his WHOLE reconnaissance plan. You see, for his plan, there weren’t supposed to be any problems or anything annoying. And there ESPECIALLY wasn’t supposed to be a birthday party happening!!! And you know what makes it probably even more frustrating? It’s highly doubtful this alien even knows what a birthday party is. Sorry! Sorry to have to say it. Sorry if that offends you that I don’t think the aliens from Signs know about birthdays. “Sorry about that” to you.

You know how Bigfoot always walks? (Or I guess..just walked that one time?) With his arms flapping? Look:

Well, this guy—

—looks like the professional ballet dancer version—

—of this guy!!! What’s with creatures walking like this? Is it because their limbs are longer, so they swing them more dramatically? Or am I simply being ignorant and do not understand what it’s like to be a Creature?

What’s this. This seems like a dance move. This hand seems like a dance move to me.

And don’t get me started on this. This is the most dramatic leg I have ever known. It is sneaking, but also it WANTS to be seen. This is a power leg. And power legs don’t sneak—they shine.

I wish I knew what the birthday party Signs alien did other than this brief action. We barely had even a moment with him. What became of him? Did he get water put on his body? Did his skin fall off? Or did he escape? I like to believe he survived, but it was entirely by accident. Like he just happened to get on the ship home in time, but it was a fluke and by no means a representation of his intelligence or invasion skills.

Because this guy does not know how to regulate his emotions, and it bleeds into his work! His “work,” of course, being reconnaissance for an upcoming invasion. He parades across an alley with a power leg and a sneer rather than taking responsibility for the unfortunate fact that he is terrible at being a sneak!

He is also a coward. Sorry, but he is!!! Why did he just do a little walk-by? Why not, I dunno, attack the whole party? Are you a big boy, or are you simply a lil’ walker, hm? Let’s face it, pal, if you were indeed a big boy, you would’ve proven it by attacking all those birthday party attendees. (I don’t want this; I’m just saying that, technically, it would’ve proven that he was a big boy).

I’ll never get the answers I want about this. I’ll never know if the birthday party Signs alien drove his own ship there or just rode on one with some of the other guys. I’ll never know if the birthday party Signs alien was popular or if he was a big nerd that no one really liked. In the grand scheme of things, these answers are hardly crucial, but in the scheme of right now and what I’m doing today? These answers are imperative.

But alas… all I’ll ever really know is that he is rude, and he is nude. Just nude as hell, man.

A rude, nude dude.