i went to a german ship town and i interviewed my mom
hello, audrey here, back with some shit, for you, here, in this email. this is it, baby. this is where the shit is. welcome to it. as always, as we always do, here, in this weekly newsletter, let's begin with questions sent to me by you, the readers things I asked myself, just now, for this.
hey, aud. what's up?
what.
uh. nothing. what have you been up to, dude?
what?????? why are you asking me this?????
okay, uh. do you want to just start talking?
yes.
okay, go ahead--
last week, i went to a small german ship town and saw (get this) some ships.
this place LOVES ships, dude! and honestly, i can't blame them. frankly, i love a good ship.
they, uh. they all kind of looked like this. just some ships, all pretty similar, sitting in this little river thing. pretty sure no one sails these, but they're good to look at. ships are good to look at! legally, no one can argue with me on this, so i'm just going to say it again: Ships Are Good To Look At ™.**
**if you care to argue with this (which would be pointless), please feel free to consult my lawyer (who is me).
sometimes it wasn't even an actual ship--as you can see, they just put a fucking painting of a ship here, where a ship MIGHT be. so, like, if a ship were to be placed here, in this spot, here's a drawing of what it would look like (hint: it looks like the other ones). clearly, they got sick of building so many ships and placing them in this little river, and hey--can't say i blame them. that's a lot of work, probably!
other than ships, this town also had a bookstore. except everything was in german, and i couldn't understand any of it. pictured above was the section i understood, and therefore my favorite section.
this week's shit
so, okay, for work, i recently interviewed the other editors' moms (a regular and normal thing to do) for an article that would be published on the site about where they like to travel for the holidays). mostly i did this so that i could interview my own mom, and put in on the front page of an online publication.
anyways, they saw right through me, and i wasn't allowed to include a lot of the answers because apparently, i work for a "travel publication" that publishes "travel related articles" (??? makes no sense to me???) and this wasn't entirely "travel-related" (again, what??? haha??) so! now, i proudly present...
I Interview My Own Mom About Where She Likes to Travel for the Holidays
ME: Where is your favorite place to travel for the holidays?
BETH FARNSWORTH: “My own house.” (She laughs very loudly.)
Are there any special traditions you associate with this place?
“No.”
What did you love about it and why should people go there?
“I have a llama (points to a festive llama statue in the corner) and, uh. I have a llama, and we can watch Hallmark movies and I can prepare snacks, mostly just savory vegan snacks, chocolate, decaf coffee with your choice of festive holiday creamers, and lots of strange chips. And people shouldn’t go here.”
Are you describing your favorite foods?
“No, I am just describing what’s always in my pantry.”
So you are describing your favorite foods.
“Yes. And apples, I have lots of apples. And if you want peanut butter and raisins to prepare it with, I can provide that. And my husband, Don, is is very nice to be around, he is very calm. I consider him a major draw [to being here]. (To Don) You are a draw.”
Dad, how do you feel about being draw?
Don: “It's a lot of pressure.”
Beth: “There's no pressure.”
What is your absolute favorite thing to do there, at your house?
“Eat and do yoga and watch TV. And read.”
You're making this difficult because I cannot ask you the other questions I asked everyone else.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s okay. The next one was supposed to be, “Have you ever traveled there with me and what was it like?” But, it’s your house. So. Obviously I’ve been to your house.
“Do you count going to Walmart and Target? We travel there when you visit.”
“Okay, Mom. What's it like traveling to Walmart with me?”
“It's wonderful.”
Be honest.
“No. It’s wonderful”
Do you read my articles on Fodor’s?
“When you tell me to read them. I don't know when they're there if you don’t. Whenever I look at Fodor's, I get annoyed, because I click on other people and they're not you. Maybe you guys can do another section for people's’ mothers, like for me, to find your writing.
Oh my god. My coworkers write great articles, too, you know.
“I am kind of busy. I have two jobs. And I like to eat.”
Do you have a favorite holiday decoration? Where did you get it?
“I just got it at Target. It’s a llama. I would like to also say I used to have a favorite Santa Claus cookie jar, but I donated it to Saver's and I don't know why. It was a Santa head on a glass thing. But, now I have the llama.”
Describe your favorite holiday travel destination in 5 words or less.
“It's festive (She looks outside for a long time). In 5 words or less? I was going to say I like looking at the Christmas lights on the fence in the backyard because then I can't see the drones. But the drones haven't been here since the lights have been up. There's drones. (To my dad) You believe me don't you? (My dad nods).”
Thank you. That was definitely five words.
“You’re welcome.”
What are your thoughts on Santa Claus?
“I love Santa Claus. In fact, when I was a child and slept in the same bedroom as Aunt Penny, I saw Santa in his sleigh fly by our window.”
You did.
“I did.”
You saw Santa.
“I saw the sleigh and reindeer. I'm not kidding. Aunt Penny believes me.”
Thank you for letting me interview you.
“You're welcome. Fix that Fodor's thing so I can go right to your stories.”
okay, that's it. thanks. talk to you later. kind regards. love always.brb. from,
audrey
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