it's not my job to explain to you what the difference is between a turkey and a chicken
Hi.
How are you? Great. Anyways, I would like to make an announcement that, technically, I have already made by writing it in the subject line of this email: It's not my job to explain to you what the difference is between a turkey and a chicken.
Let me explain.
I have dabbled in app-based dating for about a year now, and while it has mostly been very bad (for me, personally--not saying it's bad), there was one very specific occurrence that made me throw up my hands and step away for good* (*this is a lie, it was for two months. Which, to my credit, is a long time! But, whatever, fuck it, I am a hypocrite! Sue me! [do not sue me--that is an order]).
Anyways, my stepping away for good two months occurred when I had to explain to a dude what the difference was between a turkey and a chicken. Now, one might think, "How the fuck does that come up? Why did you bring up chickens when speaking to a man on a dating app, Audrey? Why?"
Look: I had nothing to do with this being brought up. As vast as my extremely stupid obsession with this subject (chickens, turkeys) is, I was not the one to mention it. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to just START TALKING ABOUT CHICKENS to a man I've never met. I reserve these conversations for those who already know me, and I am close with. But if there is some sort of chicken prompt in a conversation, you bet your ass I am going to jump on that immediately. And this is exactly what happened.
So, I was like, "How's it going" and then the dude told me he had just gotten home from a magic show, to which I replied, "Oh nice how was it," expecting him to be like, "It was cool," and for me to be like, "Great."
But, no. This is not how this went. His answer was, and I cannot stress this enough, probably the most intriguing thing I have EVER heard, and definitely the ONLY intriguing thing I have ever heard from a dating app (I think?). He said:
"The magician pulled a whole turkey out of his hat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry. WHAT? What, dude? I nearly dropped my phone in shock trying to inquire more. I needed to know every single detail. How big was this fucking hat? How small was this turkey? Can magicians do that, legally? Aren't turkeys protected under some sort of animals rights, hell, do magicians STILL EVEN PULL ANIMALS OUT OF HATS? I don't think that should be a thing, but honestly--and I cannot stress THIS enough, either--I don't know anything about any of these things!
Regardless, I wanted to know more. Obviously. I cannot remember exactly how the rest of the conversation went, but it was something like this:
me: excuse me what
him: yeah!
me: he pulled a TURKEY out of his hat?
him: yeah it was hilarious
me: how big was this hat?? what the fuck??? please tell me everything i have to know. please
him: haha it was pretty regular. like you know how magicians pull rabbits out of hats
me: well, yeah. but you said a turkey and that is VERY different.
him: i guess!
me: HOW DID IT FIT IN THE HAT
him: idk he just pulled it out
(i don't respond. this is pointless, i'm not getting ANY information)
him: wait i have a video!
me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
him: i can't send it through the app can i text you
me: yes*
*disclaimer: normally i would not do this. but i wanted to see this more than anything in the whole world, so absolutely fuck it, yes, here's my fucking phone number.
So, he texts me the video and I watch it immediately. And it was not a turkey. It was a chicken. It was clearly a chicken. The magician pulled a small-ass chicken out of a hat. I didn't need to even watch it again to check, it WAS a chicken, and it's not like the video was even shot from far away--it was an UP CLOSE, REGULAR CHICKEN.
I replied, "lol that is definitely a chicken," to which he said, "you're right! haha".
Haha? Haha?! That's all you have to say? You are not embarrassed? At all? I asked him if he had ever seen a turkey before. To which he replied, "yes!"
???????????????????????????????
Okay. So, you've seen a turkey. Like, wait, have you really, though? Because it seems to me that you still don't really see them as ALL that different. Like, it SEEMS (and SORRY if I am WRONG) that you think there is maybe just a little bit of a difference between the two, and not that they are entirely different animals that (honestly) look nothing alike.
Okay, I guess... I guess they look KIND of alike, and, yes, female turkeys are smaller, and YES, their heads are similar, and, yes, they're shaped the same, but you know what? No. Do not come at me about this. Turkey is big, chicken is small. Learn it.
Anyways, I said I wasn't going to do this, and I'm assuming everyone here knows already, but for the record, here is the difference between a turkey and a chicken: A chicken is a chicken and a turkey is a FUCKING. TURKEY. THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL I CAN TELL YOU!
In all honesty, the dude was not a monster. He just didn't know what a turkey is, or I guess what a chicken is, hell, who knows what other kinds of things he doesn't know. I mean, to be fair, I don't know a lot of things either, but what I do know is that my threshold for bullshit is at about a -97 and my threshold for knowing a what a turkey is is at a JUST KNOW WHAT A TURKEY IS. C'mon, man. You're killing me.
Thanks for letting me yell at you, and thank you for knowing what a turkey is. Truly--thank you.
Talk to you later.
Love Always,
Audrey
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