you park your car in the lot. right away you notice that it’s PRETTY busy today, damn! i mean, geez, the only reason you even got a parking spot at all is because you happened to pull into the lot exactly when someone was leaving! luck is on your side today, it seems.
not so fast, fucker. you think luck is going to help you? hm? do you? brother, where you’re going, the devil eats luck as cereal. your luck can’t save you here, you fucking fool. you’re about to get your ass flipped upside down because you decided to stop by target on a sunday. and bitch? the vibe is chaos.
the first thing you’ll notice upon walking inside is FUCK you, it’s fucking christmas. it’s october 22nd and christmas is actually today, though. no, it’s not halloween. it hasn’t been halloween for months. why would you think that it is halloween time? is there something wrong with you, dude?
you walk further into the store, passing by the racks of puffer jackets and sparkly dresses blowing in the wind (there’s wind in here for some reason?). your surroundings are sparkley and bright, yet unsettling. “it’s not christmas,” you tell yourself. “this is ridiculous, it’s not christmas.”
you feel a chill in the air and not so much hear but feel the following sentence being communicated to you from nowhere in particular (but also everywhere):
“it is christmas, though.”
you pick up the pace. you don’t know what that just was. it was probably nothing. you reach the neutral realm of health products and shampoos. despite the teen who just whacked you with a shopping basket and laughed before disappearing entirely, you feel a calm rush over you because it is no longer any particular season here. it’s just shampoos and hair products. the fog lifts; you are no longer confused.
you walk past the makeup aisles. the shelves are mostly barren and it appears that only 9 different products are in stock (and they are mostly on the ground …or swinging on their hook, for some reason). nearby, many shampoos have fallen on the ground and are spilling everywhere. a child walking around by itself sits down in the spilled shampoo and laughs and opens more shampoo bottles. the child appears to not know anyone in the store.
a man jumps from shelf to shelf and no one says a thing.
a bottle of nair has exploded, acidic yellow goo everywhere. smoke rises from it and it SEEMS like it’s creating a hole in the ground?
anyway, there’s nothing for you here; you must continue on. you take six steps forward to the home department and bitch, i’m so fucking sorry but it’s fall again. please take a look at these plastic fucking pumpkins and goddamn ceramic plates with skulls on them, for halloween is coming soon (it hasn’t arrived yet, why would you think that?).
you observe theitems and take a deep breath: you are not crazy after all. it IS still fall! halloween HASN’T happened yet and it’s nowhere NEAR christmastime! you’ve never been more sure of anything in your life. it feels good to Know Anything again. you pick up a plastic plate with a pumpkin on it and place it in your basket happily.
it’s time to keep moving. you proceed slowly, as the store seems to have gotten 200% more crowded than it already was. in the distance, you THINK you see a second level of people walking on top of the heads of people regular walking on the ground. but that would be impossible, you think, nervously turning your attention to the ground. you will look at your feet from now on. you smell something burning but see no smoke. it’s probably fine.
you’re walking by the household items now. you place a (seasonless) box of Kleenex in your basket. you’re feeling at ease. there is nothing wrong with this building or with you. you remember about it being autumn. everything is so, so good.
you make the mistake of taking your gaze off the ground and looking at what’s directly in front of you. and bitch i cannot stress this enough but it is christmas. christmas stands directly in front of you. it laughs manaically before gobbling you up in its mouth. it swallows you and you are right back to where you were just standing.
christmas tree statues line the shelves, dozens of felt birds are dressed as santa claus. the halloween statues you vaguely remember being there in the recent past (were they, though?) have been replaced by 24 different kinds of harry potter christmas ornaments and gift sets of summer sausage and unrefrigerated cheese wrapped so tight in plastic it looks like its about to go to space.
and you know what? the christmas decorations honestly look embarrassed. they know something’s off. it’s kind of like they’re all nude? it’s october 22nd and there’s all these nude and vulnerable christmas decorations on the shelves. they shouldn’t be here and they know it! they haven’t even finished getting dressed! what psychopath put them on the shelves?
at this point you set your basket down. this experience has affected you deeply. you don’t need to buy anything; who gives a shit. you can just go home, where it’s safe. seeing this many christmas decorations on october 22nd has severely fucked you up. you feel as though you’ve just been punched by a sports mascot.
you secure your purse over your shoulder and begin to wobble in what you think is the direction of the exit. the world around you flashes red and green then orange and black. you are no longer in this reality. little stars dance around your head like you’re a cartoon—wait, those aren’t stars at all. they’re christmas trees and…and…
pumpkins.
“no,” you scream. make it stop. they cannot be together. you aren’t jack fucking skellington! you are a simple woman who prefers one holiday at a time, if any at all! you limp forward, hoping to get anywhere at all. but you are nowhere and you fucking know it. you close your eyes and—
—suddenly you are back to reality. you hear sounds. you open your eyes. the overhead lights blind you at first, but your eyes adjust. you are standing in the middle of the womens’ socks section holding onto your head with both hands and bending your legs. you are still yelling “no” as you lean into a rack of socks.
you start coughing to snap yourself out of yelling “no.” this causes you to actually choke on air. you are now cough-choking on literally nothing with your head one inch away from a rack of socks. the socks have polka dots on them. they are blue and white.
a neutral design, you think.
you straighten your legs and stand normal. you let out a final cough and clear your throat. everyone is staring at you: employees, customers, a group of what looks like target shareholders being given a tour of the store by a regional manager of some sort. you stare back at them. you don’t give a shit about their judgement, for you have just been to hell and back. you stand up straight and look at all of them in the eyes and say,
“it’s october 22nd. and i am going home.”
you walk towards the exit of the store. it takes at least 30 seconds, which is really long, actually, and you feel their eyes on your back. their silence shrieks at you. you accidentally try to go through the entrance and go as far as to attempt to pry open the sliding doors before realizing what’s happening. you turn back to the crowd, still watching you, and say,
“wrong one.”
they’re sort of far away and don’t hear you, though, so one guy yells, “what?” and you exclaim loudly,
“i thought this was a different door.”
there is a pause. the guy goes, “okay,” and you exit the store. you walk to your car, get in through the passenger side, flop into the driver’s seat, and start the engine.
Hahahaha 🫨🥊
Sounds like things have got pretty bad over your way, it’s bad enough that hellowe’en arrived in late September in the UK. Stay lucky