Keep in Mind As You Read Our Normal Family's Regular Holiday Card That We Are Regular!
Our Family's 2023 Holiday Card Has Arrived to You!
2023 has been a large year for our Regular and Very Blessed Family! We hope this letter finds you merry and also tied up by the metaphysical chains we have attached to this letter rendering you frozen in place until you finish reading about Our Family’s Wonderful Year, where nothing went wrong even one time!
In January, Our Family vacationed 90 times to Clard National Beach at Honk Point in Kroobis, NM. The husband of our family (who, as you remember from last year, chose to legally not have a name anymore) even did a three-day hike up Honk Point’s gorgeous one mountain that it has and only got lost for the whole time!
In February, our family lifted a whole plane into the air together. It was physcially so taxing on all of our bodies that all of our digestive systems changed shape and some of our inside tubes fell right out of our asses. But the excitement of 2023 had only just begun, and where we’re going, we didn’t need tubes—this year was going to be one for the books about celebrating the year, THAT was for sure!
In March, our severely blonde children, Stick, Bonk, and Gland experienced being chased down a mountain by an extremely large owl for the very first time and not one of them threw up! Except for the owl, who was throwing up the entire time.
Bonk turned three years old in April and keeps us on our toes by breathing her unbelievably warm mouth air onto the ground and making it almost impossible to walk regularly. After multiple visits with the pediatrician, it was decided by the courts that she is technically the antichrist but is actually really bad at it and therefore can’t physically cause THAT much damage to our society and planet. So it’s not even a big deal! Yay, Bonk!
Stick celebrated her fifth birthday at McDonald’s and had so much fun she got employed there. That was in June, and we haven’t seen her since, as the McDonald’s has been barricaded up and occasionally explodes but gets put right back together like all of the pieces of it are magnets. Stick has always loved fiery blasts so we have no doubt that she is becoming an incredible businesswoman within those walls.
Our sweet Gland started the year off as a quiet eight year old but shocked us all by growing 500 feet overnight in July and walking straight into the sea, only to come back out several weeks later 27 years old and married to Poseidon himself. She now lives part-time in the kingdom of the seven seas and reigns over the ocean as its queen, but still comes ashore once a week to help our lizard, Plimpy, give birth.
In August, The Husband of Our Family was promoted to being the president of his Huge job and we all celebrated by taking a trip to New York City and seeing the bright lights that the Big Apple had to shine for our gratitude. We rode on a bus, we sat on the ground, and Bonk broke into the mayor’s office with a pigeon she captured and convinced him that she was the second coming of Christ and that he should buy her an ice cream. And he did!
In September, Bonk was cast as the lead in the school musical! We were also visited by the ghost of a colonel seven nights in a row who claimed to “know where my husband came from” and was “intent on bringing him back to his rightful area.” At first, The Husband of Our Family claimed to have no idea what the colonel was talking about but by literally night three, he confessed that, yes, the colonel was telling the truth and the rest of the nights consisted of the ghost comically trying to pull The Husband of Our Family out of the house as he held onto the ground.
In October, we uprooted our little family and moved to the middle of the woods in Sweden! This was, apparently, where The Husband of Our Family’s “rightful area” where he has been cursed to “watch over until the great sleep occurs.” When I asked him what that means repeatedly and in a panic, he opened his mouth and a ship’s honk came out. It’s very beautiful here which is great because I think we might be here for a very long time! Bonk also keeps finding lost children in the woods and bringing them home. Our family is growing and we are thankful!
November was a very busy month for us! The Husband of Our Family went missing and it was night for the whole month. The mystery children still aren’t talking but at least they have started to blink.
By December, the kids and I were prepared to journey through the woods to find civilization when suddenly a huge eagle arrived carrying The Husband of Our Family in its talons! The eagle dropped him off in front of our home and told him to “stop being a little bitch," to which he replied, “Noooooo.” The eagle flew off, the sun returned, and our home was filled with holiday warmth of the season despite the fact that time had appeared to stop entirely and when you walk through the woods outside of our home in a straight line, you strangely just arrive right back at the house within minutes. The two mystery children also stepped into each other and became one person.
Here’s to an equally eventful and perfectly regular 2024! Happy holidays from the ever-growing Farnsworth family (Plimpy is currently giving birth again as I type)!
This is my favorite thing you have written. It belongs in a museum (the New Yorker). Blessings to you and your beautiful reptilian brood mare
Genius. Yay, Bonk!