my brain argues with its security guard, refusing to do anything
the news today is my brain doesn't want to do anything so hard that i'm pretty sure it wants to do something
inside my head, my brain refuses to do anything and it’s being VERY dramatic about it. it’s even grown little arms just so it can fold them and say “hmph” to no one.
no one’s telling it to do anything. in fact, most are encouraging it to relax. regardless, it’s in there doing the equivalent of one of those sneezes dogs do when they’re mad or want something just constantly. sometimes it sits in a little rocking chair, looking out the window (my eyes) as it rocks back and forth, giving me a headache and mumbling about how it refuses to be productive or—and it hisses when it says this part—”follow my little dreams.”
and if anyone else is around in there, it gets VERY sensitive about its choice to Not Do Anything and becomes weirdly combative for no reason.
my brain, out of nowhere: i’m NOT doing anything.
the security guard inside my brain: okay.
(i forgot to mention that there’s a security guard in there now making sure shit’s all good.)
my brain: STOP asking me.
security guard: that’s fine, i’m not.
my brain: i said STOP ASKING ME.
security guard: i didn’t ask, i don’t care what you do.
my brain: you’re yelling at me!
security guard and he was definitely not yelling: i’m not even looking at you, man.
my brain: oh, look at this guy. he wants me to do something. well, i’m NOT going to!!!
security guard: dude, you okay? it sort of sounds like YOU want you to do something.
my brain (1000% more mad): WHAT. NO. THAT’S FALSE.
security guard: okay, okay, calm down. just an observation.
my brain: i don’t want to do anything! and i won’t. the thought of doing something makes me sleepy.
security guard: well, that seems normal. it’s been a really hard year full of the most giref you’ve ever felt in your life, right? so i think not doing anything is probably good for you right now.
my brain: STOP TRYING TO—wait, what?
security guard: you’re allowed to rest.
my brain: i…no, i’m not.
security guard: ah, there it is. it seems like you’re getting mad at me because you think i am trying to get you to work. but i think that’s coming from you, my man! i think you are being hard on yourself for not being able to flip a switch and “get shit done” during a time where that might be, y’know, physically and mentally impossible.
my brain: (stares)
security guard: (stares)
my brain: …but i’ve got to do something. because if i don’t do something, i’m not doing anything.
security guard: yeah, that’s kind of the point.
my brain: if i don’t do something, i’ll die.
security guard: oh lol so um that’s actually a myth, that you made up by the way, to try and protect yourself from feeling shitty feelings.
my brain: well, that sounds smart of me, actually. i like that myth.
security guard: oh, hahaha, no. sorry little motherfucker, but in this house—er, head, lol—we don’t do myths anymore.
my brain: but i want to hold the myth like a little cat and pat its head!!!
security guard: ah, sorry dude, but no. sorry!!!
my brain: i don’t like this.
security guard: i know. it sucks to have to sit in this absolute bullshit and feel all of it. that fucking sucks, dude. it feels horrible!
my brain: it’s like comically terrible. it is actually the most horrible bullshit i’ve known!
security guard: right. but look at you, still being you. see? you’re okay. you’re not as lost as you think.
my brain: i’m not?
security guard: nah, dude. not at all.
my brain: but it feels like i’m in the middle of the woods and i am a pile of bones on the ground.
security guard: you are!
my brain: what!
security guard: but that doesn’t mean you’re lost. we just gotta get you a lantern.
my brain: i can’t move right now.
security guard: there’s movement in stillness, bitch! it’s all good lol.
my brain: can we put some string lights up too?
security guard: sure can.
my brain: cool. hey why are you here, anyway? what are you guarding?
security guard: don’t take this the wrong way, but…you.
my brain: i need to be guarded???
security guard: you just need someone to talk to so you don’t beat the shit out of your friend [gestures downward] down there.
my brain: s-s-s…satan?
security guard: NO, jesus, lmao. your heart, man. lol.
my brain: oh, okay totally. yeah i would definitely be kicking her whole ass right now if you weren’t here.
security guard: i know!
my brain: should we go find a lantern and some string lights?
security guard: yeah dude, i’m pretty sure there’s a target like five minutes away, walking distance.
my brain: there’s a target in my head where it feels like i’m lost in the middle of the woods?
security guard: yes, of course there is. why wouldn’t there be?
my brain: i can’t walk right now because i am a pile of bones. i am a brain that’s a pile of bones. can we go later?
security guard, pulling out a basket: that’s fine, i’ll carry you in this little basket. let’s go get you some fuckin’ ambient lighting for this dark ass place, my man.
my brain: okay cool yeah let’s do it.
and my brain that felt like a pile of bones climbed into the little basket and got carried through the woods to target by its security guard (me) to find some light to hang on the trees.
Yo dawg i am such a fan