oh, what the hell is this. what the hell is THI
hey.
christ, you forgot you signed up for this, didn't you? i bet you did! oh geez, ah, well, i don't mean to startle you, but HEY, THANKS FOR LETTING ME INTO YOUR INBOX, motherfucker! it's me, audrey! you probably know me from twitter, or maybe you're my actual mother. i don't know! but THANK YOU for accidentally signing up for this, by mistake.
FIRST OFF, let us begin with some questions you might have.
what is this? what even is this?
hey! well, it's just some shit. that's all! pretty simple. it's some shit, from me, to you. weekly.
no, but like. what actually is it, audrey.
geez! calm down! it's a newsletter! haha!
but like. what is your newsletter about?????
i told you. it is. some. shit.
dude. what does that fucking mean.
fine. fine! okay, fine, i'll go into more detail. you are being so mad! stop it! anyways, here are some examples, of things this might be, from week to week: a quick story, some stupid thing i wrote for absolutely no reason, some photos i found at my mom's house, a video of my mom yelling at her roomba, a detailed description of reasons my mom called me this week (example: to tell me about how my brother refuses to eat shrimp now and she is pissed the fuck OFF about it), grocery store reviews, a dialogue between two crows, a dialogue between myself and a crow, 45 pictures of the same 1 crow (JK HAHA OR AM I), an explanation of why i was fired from a job when i was 20 (they found my blog and hated it and me), reasons 1-500 of why i think my apartment is haunted, etc, etc, etc.
anyways, that's what this is. it's some shit.
cool.
great.
one more question.
sure.
may i please see a photo of a pancake puppet in a reusable grocery bag?
yes, you may.
thank you.
you're welcome.
THIS WEEK'S SHIT:
this short i wrote for absolutely no reason, on my phone, during an actual whiskey tasting i was at, and the accompanying "notes" i took during it on the little sheet they gave me. disclaimer: the people are made up, therefore no one can get mad at me. legally.
A WHISKEY TASTING
By Audrey Farnsworth
The MAIN WHISKEY MAN, who is in charge of leading whiskey tastings, is leading a whiskey tasting. THE PARTICIPANTS are seated at a table, with glasses of whiskey in front of them, as well as some paper to take notes on.
MAIN WHISKEY MAN: It’s great that you’re all here for some reason. I’m Hank, and I’ll be in charge of this tasting, as well as the one making sure you don’t leave this room for 45 minutes.
The 5 people in the room clap.
MWM: Thank you, thank you. Let’s begin. You’re going to hate this.
Everyone laughs.
MWM: I’m just kidding, of course. But you,
He points at me, AUDREY.
MWM: You’re REALLY going to hate this.
I raise my glass and nod.
MWM: Everyone please pick up your first whiskey. Go ahead and swirl it around in the cup. As, you can see, it’s fucking moving around in there, which is interesting.
PARTICIPANT #1: Ah, yes.
PARTICIPANT #2: Interesting.
MWM points at the top of the glass.
MWM: Notice the drops of alcohol.
PARTICIPANT #1: I see them.
MWM points at the whiskey.
MWM: And here is the alcohol part.
PARTICIPANT #3: It’s there.
MWM: All of it is liquid, and it is like beer, but it’s more.
Everyone nods.
PARTICIPANT #1: But so less, also.
MWM: Good observation. More alcohol, less liquid.
PARTICIPANT #2: I smell notes of floral… is something that is never true when anyone says it, ever. The smell is whiskey and the taste is alcohol, specifically whiskey.
PARTICIPANT #4, WHO KNOWS A LOT: I KNOW THE MOST ABOUT THIS LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS ONE. IT'S TIME FOR ME, HI. THE PALATE OF THIS IS LIKE A BURNT SOCK THAT IS EATING YOUR WHOLE MOUTH. IT'S DELICIOUS AND I LOVE IT.
Participant #4 stands up for no apparent reason.
PARTICIPANT #4, WHO KNOWS A LOT: HEY. HEY! IF I'M DRINKING SOMETHING, I'M GOING TO NEED IT EXTREMELY COLD. I PREFER THAT MY FUCKING FACE FALL OFF WHEN I PUT THE DRINK INTO MY FACE. BECAUSE OF THE COLD. I LOVE TO DRINK, and I will fucking KILL you if this whatever I’m talking about isn’t ice cold.
Everyone agrees.
PARTICIPANT #4, WHO KNOWS A LOT: I’M JUST GOING TO NEED YOU ALL TO REMEMBER THAT I’M THE EXPERT, IN THIS ROOM. I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT WHISKEY, AND ALSO EVERYTHING ELSE.
Everyone claps.
MWM: Let’s move on to the other whiskeys. Go ahead and just fucking drink all of them at this point! I don't care
Everyone sips from their little cups.
PARTICIPANT #2: This one tastes like… well, I definitely smell notes of a pig shitting inside of… well, anywhere actually!
AUDREY (ME): And this one just straight up tastes like the woods!
PARTICIPANT #2: Terrible!
ALL: Quite terrible, yes. Very bad, very woods. Dark woods. Dark, bad woods, where there’s a fire, currently.
Suddenly, THE MANAGER of the whiskey store enters.
WHISKEY MANAGER: Attention everyone! Thanks for coming to this whisky tasting, we’re really happy to have you. Of all the things you could choose to do while drinking whiskey, this is definitely the most boring.
Everyone claps.
PARTICIPANT #3: (to PARTICIPANT #4) The more I drink these, the more I feel comfortable telling you how much I don’t like you!
PARTICIPANT #2: Yes, and I hate this and I’m bored. I really feel like I can say this now that I am fucking wasted as shit.
ALL: Agreed, yes, yes.
AUDREY (ME): Thrilling event, this is! Thank you for this! I love it, actually!
PARTICIPANT WHOEVER: Love the distillation of the whiskey, to make it good.
PARTICIPANT #4, WHO KNOWS A LOT: IT’S NOT DISTILLATION THAT MAKES IT GOOD, IT’S THE AGING OF THE WHISKEY. (???????)
MWM picks up a different whiskey.
MWM: Now, this alcohol can literally melt through rocks. This is interesting, mostly because it’s disgusting.
PARTICIPANT #4: This whisky is called moonshine, which is a fact I know because I’m awful!!!!
PARTICIPANT #1: I know this fact also, and it’s the main part of my personality!
PARTICIPANT #2: Mine too!
PARTICIPANT #3: I thought I liked whiskey before coming to this and now I hate it AND all of you!
PARTICIPANT #4, WHO KNOWS A LOT: This whiskey is aged for 70 years and THAT is a fact known by me and 3 other people and THATS IT.
MWM: A thing you can say about this drink, whiskey, is that it smells like disinfectant for WOUNDS, and this is actually a sentence that makes people like it more. Isn’t existence fucking nuts????
PARTICIPANT #1: Fucking nuts.
PARTICIPANT #3: I’m drunk.
PARTICIPANT #2: I HATE this.
I hold up one of the glasses of whiskey
AUDREY (ME): I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT. Is this whiskey????
Everyone ignores me.
MWM: Thanks for coming everyone! This is going to continue for 87 more minutes! Maybe longer! Actually, I don't think we're ever letting you out of here.
Everyone is asleep.
MWM: We all live here now.
end.
and, here are my actual notes:
thanks. hey! have a nice day.
love,
your friend,
audrey
CONTACT (FUN!)
IG: @audipenny
Twitter: @audipenny
Most Recent Idiotic Thing: Will I Find Love in Fort Lauderdale (No)
Actual address: [redacted]
Actual phone number: [redacted]
More: here