Please Do Not Tell Me About Space
your 6th edition of news has arrived and i do not Know about space, sorry!
Hello, and welcome to this edition of News. Today, we’ll be talking about space, and I swear to christ, this better be the last time I ever say that goddamn sentence.
Last week, it was brought to my attention that space is more huge than previously known. Now, when I found this out two days after it was in the news and everyone else already read about it, I was like, “Excuse me? What?” and my brother, who had relayed the news to me by casually showing me a TikTok video, was like “They took a huge picture of space and it’s large as hell,” (I’m paraphrasing there) and I was like, “How do I know about what’s out in all of that?” and he said, “What?” and I said, “How do I know about it?” And then my brother got in his car and drove to a different building.
So I sat on the floor and started thinking about how large space is, which I already knew was PRETTY fucking big, and became very stressed out. When my brother returned, he said, “Okay, I found something else out,” and I was like “Okay, thank god. Tell me.” And he was like, “So, they took that photo two days ago but it’s from 13 billion years ago.” And I stared at him, momentarily forgetting who and where I was, and screamed, “WHAT” in a high pitched tone normally only heard by bats and certain types of wolves, as my brain leaked out of my head via my left ear.
“The light took that long to show itself to us,” he said, to which I replied, “So it’s still 13 billion years ago over there?” And he said: “I guess.”
Now, it should be noted that neither of us knew what we were talking about and this conversation was the equivalent of two bumblebees trying to figure out a math equation involving letters. However, since half my brain had leaked out of my head and onto the floor, I decided that I needed to start sending some emails about this. I didn’t really know who to send them to (I’m not good at networking…is this networking?), so I started with a simple google search.
As you can see, this search was oddly successful! In fact, the first link that popped up contained information that was honestly quite shocking:
THERE IS AN ONLINE PUBLIC DIRECTORY OF ALL NASA EMPLOYEES? WHAT? IS THIS ALLOWED? I mean, it was literally “nasa dot com” so, I’m assuming it wasn’t some sort of illegal and rude thing and very much the real deal. So, like a detective who found her first clue way too easily, I clicked the link, and…
Of course it didn’t work. Why would it work? Why would that be A Thing that Exists? Of course Safari can’t find the server! BECAUSE PEOPLE DOT NASA DOT COM IS FALSE. Either that, or there are currently too many people emailing NASA scientists right now and I should try again later.
Luckily, NASA has a “Quick Contact Division Directory” with a few names listed (I’m assuming the most important ones? There are a lot of “chief” and “head” titles). I went ahead and drafted a few emails but as I continued to think more and more about how Large space is, I sort of started internally freaking out to the point where it felt like what was left of my brain was slowly turning into a tube and falling down my whole body and into my legs.
Email #1
Email #2:
Email #3:
Email #4:
As you can see, this wasn’t getting me anywhere because I was clearly getting in my own way. You’re right in thinking that these efforts were completely fucking futile. What was I even doing? What am I, a character from Moonfall? What’s next, Aud? You gonna call the NASA gift shop and ask to speak with the head of NASA immediately? Yeah, man, we gotta stop this train before it takes off and docks at the Bonkers Station. Trains don’t dock—that’s a ship. Trains “pull into” a station, Audrey. See what’s happening here? You’re thinking so much about how fucking huge space is that you think a train is a ship, dude! We need to stop this right now, Farnsworth, because trains are trains and ships are ships!!!!!
So, this is my plea, to the world, to my peers, and to my own brother: Please do not tell me about space. I can’t know about it! If ever you’ve got space news—and especially if it involves time—do not alert me about it. If you tell me about space, I forget about other things. That guy from Moonfall was told something about space and then he thought his cat was helping him learn clues and posed as a scientist at Griffith Observatory and got thrown out. AND THEN HE EVENTUALLY BECAME A PART OF THE MOON. I can’t get thrown out of Griffith Observatory and I straight up don’t WANT to be a part of the fucking moon.
I realize that half of my newsletters have involved telling you about the movie Moonfall at this point. That’s just something we’re both going to have to deal with. This is what happens when some space related subject comes into my life—I become a woman possessed, half of her brain becoming liquid on the ground and the other half falling into her legs. I hope with all of my heart that this is the last space related news I send to your email. I can’t promise you that there won’t be more.
I would never want to give you false hope.
Yeah yeah, a bunch of parallel universes? We already know about those you NASA buckos. We’ve seen the Spider-Man multiverse movie. We’re caught up…but what about these dimensions. 11? My head will explode thinking about the 4th and 5th. I can feel my head expanding right no……….