Portrait of a Woman Losing Her Mind While Using Every Twitter Alternative At Once

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Another day, another new sentence app introduced as the latest answer to Twitter. “Here comes today’s new app!” a tech correspondent shrieks when I turn on the news, with a smile that burns through my TV, sending a panic straight into the exact center of my bones.

No, I think. Not another one.

Not another goddamn sentence app.

Ever since there’s been more than one app for me to put my little sentences into, my body has physically not been able to handle it. The anxiety I feel from switching between all of the sentence apps could be plugged into the wall and used as an electricity source for an entire mall. I’m currently vibrating as I type this. 

Every time a new sentence app comes out, it feels like all of my friends and I are walking into a room extremely confused, wobbling around and banging into tables before coughing up a joke and clapping. And if one more app asked me to write a short bio, I was going to lose my whole goddamn mind. 

A human can’t physically keep doing this.

“There should only be one,” I mutter in a harsh, ragged whisper as I aggressively tear through my dresser, throwing clothes out onto the floor and I don’t know why I’m doing this.

“There can only be one of you, okay???” I whisper-shriek at my phone. “All of you sentence apps need to get together, pick which one of you is the king, and be done with it, goddammit.”

I pace around my room, occasionally tripping over my own foot, pointing at my phone like it knows what it did because it does. 

“I don’t know if that means that you’ve got to take each other out or make one of you explode, I don’t care, that’s not my problem.”

I catch myself in the mirror mid-pace, but it’s not my present reflection I see—it’s me, sometime in the near future, saying, “My sentence is doing better on Threads than it’s doing on Bluesky” to actual human beings.

I screamed and then immediately threw up. No. No, no, no, that couldn’t be my future, that’s not me! That’s not who I am! Is it? It’s not! That’s not who I am!

I see a new photo on my mantel. I squint at it, and…

I scream. 

The photo is of me and all of my sentence apps, and we’re posing together like a big, happy family in a backyard, with all of our arms around each other. 

I pull the photo off the wall and throw it to the ground. I start inexplicably packing a bag. 

I stop packing the bag because where do I think I’m going? The only place I needed to go was far away from…I  see my phone sitting innocently upon my desk.

You.

I needed to get away from it, so I picked it up and checked my notifications. As I did so, a small voice in my head spoke to me.

“What if you just didn’t sign up for any more of those apps? It doesn’t need to be a focus of yours—"

I grabbed the mirror and shouted into my own face.

“Are you insane,” I hissed. “What are you even saying? What does that even mean???”

I shoved that voice back into its box where it belonged. And a new, more sinister voice grumbled softly inside my head. 

“Threads. BlueSky. Twitter. Threads. BlueSky. Twitter.”

It started to get louder and faster.

“Threads, BlueSky, Twitter, tHREADS, BLUESKY, TWITTER—“

Thunder cracks and lightning flashes. I scream.

“THREADSBLUESKYTWITTERTHREADSBLUESKYTWITTER—“

I run around in circles, chaotically copying and pasting the same sentence into each app, then checking the other apps to see if anyone saw the sentences. 

I start laughing like a villain. My mouth begins to foam. My finger slips and I accidentally open up the eBay app and write a joke into the search bar. 

“Why’s this not working?” I exclaim angrily, no longer being able to discern a regular app from a sentence app. 

And then all of a sudden, there weren’t ENOUGH sentence apps. I wanted more. I threw open my window and let out a howl.

“MORE APPS,” I shrieked, with a voice that no longer belonged to me. “I WANT MORE SENTENCE APPS FOR MY SENTENCES. HAHAHAHA!”

I hopped out my window and into the stormy night, phone in hand. I would spend the rest of my life searching for more apps to write my sentences into. 

There was no saving me now.