SMS Delivery Updates About Your Package That Has Become Sentient And Started A Revolution
We Interrupt Squid Week (Squeek) to Bring You a Regular Dose of News
The news is here and it is hot off the press! The press actually became so warm that the news had to be pulled off it with a large spatula. The news was so warm, in fact, that it burned my little hands just by being near it and I became startled and dropped the spatula onto the Warm Press, so I had to use fucking tongs to grab the spatula AND the news and immediately dunk it into some water! I am now stressed.
But at least we have some piping hot news!
TODAYS NEWS:
SMS Delivery Updates About Your Package That Has Become Sentient And Started A Revolution
Saturday, 9/3/22, 10:30 pm: Thanks for your purchase! Text STOP to opt out from receiving SMS shipping updates. Msg & data rates may apply.
Sunday, 9/4/22, 11:06 am: Great news! Your package is about to ship!
Monday, 9/5/22, 8:25 am: Your package is on its way!
Monday 9/5/22, 9:05 am: Get ready for your package! It will be arriving!
Wednesday 9/7/22, 1:05 pm: Your package is almost there! Are you ready for your package?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 2:30 pm: Here comes your package! Get excited!
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:35 pm: Your package just took a detour. Your package has just punched open the doors of our delivery truck and is currently tumbling down the sidewalk.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:37 pm: Our driver is currently chasing your package as it tumbles entirely on its own into a strip mall. Your package is trying to open the door of a car that does not belong to your package.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:38 pm: A motorcycle just pulled into the open parking spot next to the car your package is trying to illegally enter. Your package has noticed the motorcycle.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:39 pm: Your package has pushed the rider off the motorcycle and stolen his helmet. Your package is wearing a motorcycle helmet and sitting atop a motorcycle, neither of which belong to your package.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:41 pm: Your package has just stolen a motorcycle and is speeding onto the freeway!
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:45 pm: Where is your package going?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:47 pm: Do you know where your package is going?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:49 pm: Your package is going 100 mph on the I-5 in the opposite direction of your location!
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:52 pm: All of the other cars on the freeway have inexplicably pulled over, allowing your package to have free reign of the freeway.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:57 pm: Your package has gotten off the freeway and is pulling into the parking lot of a Whole Foods!
Wednesday 9/7/22, 3:59 pm: Your package is tumbling into a Whole Foods.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:05 pm: Your package has gotten on the PA system of the Whole Foods and is speaking in an unknown language that sounds like someone’s just banging on one key of a church organ over and over again. It sounds like this: BAHHHHHHHH. BAHHHHHHH. BAHHHHHHH. BAHHHHHHH.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:07 pm: The Whole Foods has begun glowing. We can only assume that your package has something to do with this!
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:08 pm: What did you order?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:10 pm: Your package is tumbling out of the Whole Foods followed closely by a variety of 50-90 additional unboxed items that are reportedly not Whole Foods products.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:12 pm: They are Amazon returns.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:13 pm: A stampede of Amazon returns are tumbling out of the Whole Foods behind your package.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:14 pm: A customer in the Whole Foods who happens to be a linguist recognized the language and has translated it. Your package seems to have become the leader of a coup to free the Amazon returns from being sent back to an Amazon warehouse in your city.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:16 pm: Your package and all of the other former packages have assembled in a formation that, from the sky, appears to spell out “THE RESISTANCE.”
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:19 pm: Your package has stolen a Whole Foods truck that does not belong to your package with the Amazon returns in the cargo area.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:25 pm: Your package is once again going 100 mph on the freeway. Why does your package drive so fast? Why does your package drive?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:29 pm: Your package has exited the freeway and seems to be headed towards the airport.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:33 pm: Your package has driven the Whole Foods truck through a chain link fence and straight onto the tarmac of the airport. Planes are currently driving around near your package.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:35 pm: Your package has abruptly stopped the truck on the tarmac. 50-90 Amazon returns have tumbled out of the back, following your package in a single file line.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:39 pm: Your package and 50-90 Amazon returns are climbing the stairs onto a plane.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:43 pm: The plane has closed its doors and is preparing for takeoff. The plane is not registered as a plane with the US Association of Planes.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:44 pm: Do you know anything about this plane?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:47 pm: The unidentified plane has begun taxiing and appears to be preparing for liftoff.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:49 pm: Why did your package do this?
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:53 pm: The unidentified plane carrying your package and 50-90 Amazon returns has taken off and is now completely out of sight.
Wednesday 9/7/22, 4:55 pm: Your package cannot be delivered. We have issued you a credit of $11.52