The moment has arrived, and Squeek has begun. We’re kicking off Night 1 with an urgent call-to-action for the squid scientists to find soME ACTUAL GODDAMN KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE GIANT SQUID. That’s right! Either they go down there, deep into the sea, to obtain more facts about the giant squid, or—newsflash, pals—you will no longer be regarded as scientists by the government.
“BuT tHeRe aRe sMaLLeR sQuIdS, tOo, aNd We’Re ScIeNtIsTs oF tHoSe” will OF COURSE be their excuse, but, sorry! The people want giant squid information and they want it yesterday! In this opening night of Squeek, I pose as a government agent arriving to stir up the pot of the squid world in what we at Squeek are calling a “scripted documentary.” Do not think too hard about what a “scripted documentary” is! Don’t worry about it!
As Squeek as not yet been acquired by any actual television channel, below is the script.
DISCLAIMER: As previously mentioned, Squeek is all about the giant squid. Sorry to the other cephalopods and smaller squids.
SQUEEK NIGHT 1: There Will Be Squid
(Or, Explaining to a Bunch of Teuthologists That No One Thinks Their Jobs Are Real)
EXT. BIG CITY STREETS - NIGHT
It’s raining. A woman dressed in a trench coat and a large brimmed hat walks the streets, confidently and stoically. This is ME (human woman, liar, renegade), your narrator. Jazz plays softly in the background. Smoke rises from the manholes. Is this a noir film or a squid documentary? Exactly.
ME (V/O): I’m not proud of what I do, but someone’s got to do it.
I scurry across the street and flap open a cellar door leading to a room underneath building.
INT. ROOM UNDERNEATH A BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
I enter a laboratory full of honestly trash and look around it proudly, like a scholar.
ME (V/O): Who am I? I’m whoever I need to be. And right now, for this latest job, I work at the Center for Jobs That Aren’t Working Good Anymore, which is a government agency, but also I made it up. Not like you can tell. It sounds real.
I open a filing cabinet and take out a drawing a of giant squid.
ME (V/O): I was going to make them listen to me, goddammit. The world needed answers.
I take out a book from the filing cabinet entitled In Search of the Giant Squid. I turn directly to the camera like somebody who’s about to tell you what the shit is up.
ME: You might see a book like this and think, “Say, I’ll definitely learn a lot from that.” And well, you’re right…but also wrong as hell.
I throw the book over my shoulder and it knocks over a glass beaker that shatters on the ground. I pay no attention to this. My gaze stays directly on you.
ME: Not much is actually known about the giant squid, you see. That book, although one of the best in the field, doesn’t offer 400 pages of actual concrete facts. And after months of research, I found out that nowhere held 400 pages of actual facts regarding giant squids.
EXT. DARK ALLEYWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER OR MAYBE HOURS
I am now inexplicably walking towards you in a dark city alleyway.
ME: My research found that the research found by all giant squid specialists was a “maybe.”
Close up of my head.
ME: Maybe the squids die after sex.
Close up of my head but closer.
ME: MAYBE they eat garbage that falls out of ships.
Close up of simply my mouth.
ME: One study even just simply stated that “No one had ever actually seen a giant squid doing anything, at all.” Seriously, what the fuck were these scientists DOING all day? CLEARLY it wasn’t science knowing.
EXT. SCIENCE BUILDING WHERE ALL THE SCIENTISTS WORK TOGETHER IN ONE BUILDING - THE NEXT MORNING
I approach the scientist lair and speak to the camera. People in lab coats pass by holding clipboards.
ME: I’m here at the main science emporium, where all of the scientists come to work every day, in one location, because that’s how being a scientist goes. They think I’m an inspector from a government agency because that’s what I told them I was and nobody asked any questions.
INT. SCIENCE BUILDING WHERE ALL THE SCIENTISTS WORK TOGETHER IN ONE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
I walk through the hallways of the science emporium, staring directly at the camera.
ME: I’m about to speak to the squid scientists and tell them that, in order to still be viewed as scientists by the US government, they need to provide concrete, factual information about the giant squid. And they need to do it by going down there and finding one of those guys. Alive.
INT. TEUTHOLOGY LAB ASSEMBLY HALL - MOMENTS LATER
I stand in front of a large gathering of teuthologists (squid and cephalopod scientists). It’s all men and they are rabble-rabbling in an annoyed fashion.
ME: Hello, gentlemen, thank you for coming here today. Let’s get started right away. First of all, are you aware that autocorrect does not recognize your job title as a real word?
SQUID SCIENTIST 1: Excuse me?
ME: Right, “teuthologist” is absolutely always underlined red as a word that is not real, when typing. I just wanted…to let you know. As an icebreaker.
SQUID SCIENTIST 1: Okay? What’s the meaning of this?
OTHER SQUID SCIENTIST: Yeah, what’s going on? We have science to study!
I laugh quietly.
ME: Right, about…that. That’s why I’m here. So, we’ve received some complaints about the…research…from all of your science studying.
SQUID SCIENTIST 2: What research?
ME: Hahaha, my point exactly. Okay. Let’s get started. First of all, I noticed that there’s like…a bunch of you.
It’s true. There are like 57 guys in there.
ME: So, knowing this, why is it that none of you can seem to get even one single story straight about the giant squid?
The scientists begin rabble-rabbling in defense.
SQUID SCIENTIST 3: what are you talking about! we know PLENTY of stories about giant squids!
SQUID SCIENTIST 4: Richard here wrote a whole book on them!
RICHARD, A SCIENTIST: I did.
ME: Right! Richard, hello, yes, I read your book. that’s the one that ends each chapter by saying that all of the information that you just reported to us “might not be true” because quote “no one can know for sure,” yes?
RICHARD: Well, yes.
ME: In fact, most of the CONCRETE information in the book was actually about OTHER types of squid, yes?
RICHARD: Yes, but—
ME: Let me read an excerpt from this book, which I did read
I clear my throat.
ME: “All we really know about the natural history of the giant squid is that it occasionally washes ashore—and even when that happens we don’t know why.”
RICHARD: Well…
ME: And a few other excerpts! Page 109, “We have little idea of what they eat”, page 111, “Squids might hunt by themselves but sometimes they might get together,” page 113 “Do giant squids die after mating?” That’s a question, you asked ME a question—
RICHARD: This is all just scientific theory—
ME: PAGE 115, SIR, AND I QUOTE: “Are they aggressive hunters? What do they eat? How long do they live? Where do they breed?” You just asked ME four questions! Because YOU DIDN’T KNOW THE ANSWER! Tell me, richard, did you think I have the answers to these?
RICHARD: Those questions were rhetorical—
ME: Do you know how MADDENING this was for me personally?
I fumble my documents a little. I am becoming too emotional. They’re going to find me out if I keep this up.
ME: Uh, as well as probably other people, also?
Great save.
RICHARD: Well, our research is theory-based because the environment in which Architeuthis lives in is too deep in the ocean for us to actually be able to study—
Unfortunately I couldn’t keep it up because at this point I throw the book on the ground.
ME: Look, I don’t even want to hear it anymore. I already know what you’re going to say! That they’re “too down, too much down for us to know anything for sure.” WELL, RICHARD, that’s NOT GOOD ENOUGH anymore for…the government…and it’s got to change.
ANOTHER FUCKING SCIENTIST: This is blasphemy! Did the shark scientists put you up to this?
A rumbling from the squid scientists. They don’t like the shark scientists.
A DIFFERENT SCIENTIST THIS TIME: They are always trying to bully us just because sharks are easier to know!
ME: No, the shark scientists didn’t put me up to this!
A SCIENTIST, FROM THE BACK: They are always bullying us!
ME: Well! There’s PLENTY of information out there about sharks! Too much, actually! A new movie is made about a shark every 45 fucking seconds!
Two squid scientists put their arms around each other sadly.
BOTH SAD SCIENTISTS, IN UNISON: (sadly) We’ll never know as much as the shark scientists.
ME: That’s where you’re wrong.
The room goes silent. I pick up the book from the ground and hold it in the air.
ME: This didn’t make me smarter. It gaslit me into not knowing how I just spent the last several hours of my life reading it. This book put me through intense psychological horseshit, do you hear me?
ANOTHER SCIENTIST OR MAYBE ONE OF THE PREVIOUS ONES, I’M NOT SURE ANYMORE: Is this just about you or do other people have a problem with us?
ME: WE ALL THINK IT. Nobody thinks that you guys are real scientists, according to the government, that I work for—
A GODDAMN SCIENTIST: It kind of doesn’t sound like you work for the government.
ME: What!
THAT SAME SCIENTIST: You’re being really emotional.
ME: EMOTIONS DO NOT DISCREDIT THIS ARGUMENT.
A DIFFERENT SCIENTIST: Why is she screaming????
RICHARD: Did my book really offend you THAT much?
ME: IT’S NOT—
I compose myself.
ME: Ahem. It’s not just me. I was sent here to tell you that things gotta change or else they’re shutting you guys down.
SCIENTIST, I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE: We can’t be scientists anymore?
ME: No you can be scientists, you just gotta be a scientist of something else. Unless…
A FRANTIC SCIENTIST: Unless what?How do we fix this??
I consult my notes.
ME: Well, let me see the terms.
I read the “terms” from the “government.”
ME: Okay, so it looks like if you guys want the job of “teuthologist” to exist going forward, you are going to have to show us an alive giant squid. By going on down there and finding one of those guys.
I look up from the terms and stare ahead. The scientists are completely silent.
ME: So. It looks like you have to go on down there and find one of those guys. Says the government.
A SCIENTIST: But the harsh deep waters!
I kick the podium down. I’m standing in front of a podium, by the way, in case I forgot to mention that.
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN, “IT’S TOO DOWN, IT’S TOO DOWN,” look, dorks, you can’t be a squid scientist and not know concrete information about squids, you just can’t. you cannot, i’m sorry.
A SCIENTIST WHO IS TECHNICALLY RIGHT: You actually can, we study many different types of squid, as well as other cephalopods—
ME: Don’t care!
ANOTHER SCIENTIST WHO IS PERHAPS CORRECT: And our research about smaller squid help us to understand the larger squid, so it’s all relevant, really—
I am plugging my ears at this point.
ME: Don’t care, I do NOT care.
THAT SAME SCIENTIST: This research is meaningful!
I pick up the podium and throw it against the wall.
ME: Oh my GOD, can you JUST figure it the fuck out? Please? If you can’t, I swear to god, EVEN I COULD COME UP with ideas for you.
RICHARD: Oh yeah? Like what?
ME: Build big boat! Make it go underwater, all the way down. Drive up to a giant squid and take its picture. Or! Build big boat that has a long tube that you can put all the way down to the bottom, and make it have a sensor that finds giant squids! Put a camera in it and take a picture!
I am pacing like a mathematician who has spent their entire life since birth coming up with theories for one specific equation (??) and just needed a stage to say them all on.
ME: OR! FUCKING OR. You can build a big boat that has a box that you guys sit in, that is attached to the boat by a rope! Make it go all the way down! Put lights on it! Find squid! Find squid, find squid!
I am out of breath. The audience of scientists is silent momentarily. Then, they begin slow clapping to the point where everyone is wildly cheering. I stare at them.
ME: What is happening.
SCIENTIST: INCREDIBLE ideas, ma’am.
RICHARD: Why didn’t I think of those?????
AN EXCITED SCIENTIST: That’s it! THAT’S what we’ve been missing!
ME: Seriously?
THAT SAME SCIENTIST: You have good ideas, miss.
ME: (blushing) Oh, it was…nothing really. Just though of them like really quick, no big deal.
SCIENTIST: Yes big deal! You have to join our team!
I smirk but hide it quickly. I expected this. The plan was working.
ME: I do?
Richard takes me by the shoulders.
RICHARD: Yes. We need you. I need you.
I stare at him in his eyes. I stare at all of them in all of their eyes.
ME: Let’s do this.
Everybody jumps in the air and cheers.
EXT. SCIENCE BUILDING WHERE ALL THE SCIENTISTS WORK TOGETHER IN ONE BUILDING — LATER THAT DAY
I walk out of the science emporium, hiding my triumph.
ME (V/O): So, there you have it. I had them. And now, the real work would begin. It was time to build a big boat to go down, maybe stick a tube on it. The possibilities were endless. The bottom of the sea was about to become way less down than ever before.
A sly thin smile grows on my face as I walk past the camera, giving it a wink before walking out of frame.
Stay tuned for night two of Squeek, where the journey continues with a transcript of episode two: We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat, As Well: Building a Big Boat with the Squid Scientists
EPIC