Squeek Night 2: WE'RE Gonna Need a Bigger Boat, As Well
Squid Week (Squeek) continues with its second installment...a musical.
Previously on Squid Week (Squeek)…
In Night One of Squeek, I infiltrated the squid scientists’ headquarters and convinced them (via lying) that I was from a government agency instructing them to build a big boat that goes all the way down into the sea with the goal of finding an alive giant squid. If they find one, the “government” would allow them to keep their title of “squid scientist.” If not, well, they were going to have to become scientists of something else.
With all scientists on board to build my innovative underwater ship, construction begins! After electing me as their commander for this mission, the scientists are hard at work building the ship, as I oversee the operation with the help of Richard, the lead squid scientist. It’s only a matter of time before the ship would be ready to plummet to the bottom of the sea in search of an alive giant squid…
DISCLAIMER: Parts of this are a musical. It just happened this way. I don’t know what to tell you. The story goes where it goes. You will be prompted to click for audio throughout.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT, AS WELL: BUILDING A BIG BOAT WITH THE SQUID SCIENTISTS
INT. LARGE SQUID SCIENTIST WAREHOUSE - DAY
A partially built huge and incredibly strong looking undersea ship stands upright. It looks like three quarters of a blimp. Several SQUID SCIENTISTS are atop it, hammering metal plates into place. They appear exhausted…but determined as hell.
On the ground, 15 ADDITIONAL SQUID SCIENTISTS stand in a line, passing huge metal pipes to each other, fireman’s carry style.
And they…are singing. (PRESS BELOW FOR TUNE)
THE SCIENTISTS PASSING THE TUBES: (sung) Ho! Ho! Ho, HEEVE ho! Ho! Ho! Ho, HEEVE ho!
A scientist swings from the ceiling on a rope, holding a smaller tube.
SWINGING SCIENTIST: (sung) Build!
THE SCIENTISTS PASSING THE TUBES: (sung) Ho! Ho! Ho, HEEVE ho! Ho! Ho! Ho, HEEVE ho!
A scientist pops out of a large bucket labeled “TUBES.”
POPPING SCIENTIST: (sung) Ship!
More scientists swing from the rafters.
MORE SWINGING SCIENTISTS: (sung) Build!
Several more scientists pop out of other buckets, also labeled “TUBES.”
POPPING SCIENTISTS: (sung) Ship!
Literally 20 scientists swing down on ropes holding tubes.
MORE SWINGING SCIENTISTS: (sung) Build!
All of the scientists that popped out of buckets set their buckets on the ground and do a front flip across the stagewarehouse, launching their bodies USING the buckets, and land in a pose with their arms out.
FLIPPING BUCKET SCIENTISTS: (sung) Ship!
All squid scientists begin doing well-rehearsed looking choreography, completely in sync (*NSYNC, even), despite having never practicing it before.
ALL SCIENTISTS TOGETHER: (sung) We’re building a ship to find the squids! We’ll make it go down, so down it’s nuts! Make the ship go down into the sea, and find us a giant squid or three!
INT. WINDOWED FOREMAN’S OFFICE OF THE WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
I stand in an office on a higher level of the warehouse, observing the scientists building the ship through a glass window. My arms are crossed and I have a smirk on my face.
ME: It’s all going according to plan.
RICHARD, the lead squid scientist, enters the room.
ME: Richard, what news?
RICHARD: T-minus three days until the ship is set to be ready to begin its underwater journey, ma’am.
I turn so rapidly to face Richard he gasps.
ME: Three days? That’s too long. We need to build it faster. What about that fucking song they made up? Isn’t that making them go quicker?
RICHARD: Well, it was, but unfortunately, they keep getting too excited about the song, and become so glad they become confused and start to think that they’re all pirates ON a ship rather than scientists BUILDING a ship.
ME: What????
RICHARD: Yeah, I forgot to mention that most of these guys cosplay as pirates on the weekends.
I mouth the words “cosplay as pirates” in confusion.
RICHARD: You know, like, each of them has a “role” on the ship, like in a ship movie? There’s the captain, the mates, the weird guy who doesn’t talk to anyone and just mutters to himself about how he’s going to commandeer the ship one day because he “has the location of the Kraken’s curse”—
ME: Oh for christ’s sake.
I storm out of the room. Richard worriedly follows.
INT. HALLWAY LEADING TO THE WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
I stomp towards the warehouse. Richard trots after me.
RICHARD: I mean, being a scientist is stressful work, it’s really not weird that these guys like to blow off steam by pretending they’re ship dwellers from hundreds of years ago!
A new song is heard faintly from the warehouse.
SINGING SCIENTISTS: (sung) Ship! Ship! Ship, we work on a ship! Ship! Ship! Ship, we’re ON the ship!
ME: Oh no you’re fucking not—
INT. LARGE SQUID SCIENTIST WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
I barrel through the warehouse doors. The scientists’ song has changed drastically, and clearly they all believe to be working on an old timey ship.
Some scientists mime pulling the ship’s ropes. One guy stands regally like a captain who is drunk, and another guy acts all fucked up like he is concocting a plan by himself.
ROPE SCIENTISTS: (sung) We are the mates! We pull the ropes! And when we’re done, we sing a song about how we just pulled the ropes!
CAPTAIN SCIENTIST: (sung) I’m the captain and I’m here to make everyone’s life a living hell! I’ll be in my office which looks like a museum AND i’m drunk, by the way!
KRAKEN SCIENTIST: (sung) I’m the weirdest guy on the ship! I’ve got a curse locked straight up my ass and soon I’ll release the curse so the kraken arrives to hold the ship in his hands!
ALL SCIENTISTS: (sung) OHHHH, here comes another ship to fight our ship, but also there’s a storm—
I stomp up to the scientists performing their little song.
ME: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP.
The scientists stop singing and look around, confused.
ONE SCIENTIST WHO DOESN’T STOP SINGING: (sung) —so the ocean is boarding the ship…
He trails off, realizing no one else is singing.
SCIENTIST: Oh, man, we did it again, didn’t we?
ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Dang it, it’s so hard to NOT think that we’re pirates.
AND ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Because that’s how we spend our weekends—
ME, AND I AM PISSED: STOP IT. I don’t care. I do NOT care how you spend your weekends. This isn’t your weekend. Also, you started with a good rhythm and then it sort of just turned into a Sondheim massacre and NOT in a good way.
ALL OF THE SCIENTISTS, IN UNISON: Sorry.
ME: Look, squid scientists—you brilliant, brilliant sons of bitches—we’ve gotta get this ship underwater and we’ve gotta get it down there YESTERDAY. I want this boat built by tomorrow morning. NO MORE DISTRACTIONS.
The scientists look down at their feet, embarrassed.
ME: You elected me as your leader, since I’m sort of an “ideas guy.” Now, take my ideas, put them into action, and FINISH THIS NEVER-BEFORE-MADE SHIP and make it go all the way down to the bottom of the sea!
One of the scientists walks up holding some blueprints.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: Ma’am, we’ve got the plan for the tube attachment here.
ME: Ah yes, the tube that will attach to the bottom of the ship for us all to slide down and therefore go even MORE down into the sea.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: Yes, that’s right. It will be constructed as per your instructions of—
He takes out his notes with my detailed instructions written on them.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: “Put a tube on it, that can go even MORE down, and we can all slide down it from the boat, just in case the boat can’t handle the pressure.”
ME: AND?
He continues reading.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: “But make sure the tube can withstand the pressure.”
I nod.
ME: Is it titanium?
The scientist peers at the blueprint.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: Um…
ME: MAKE IT TITANIUM.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: No, yes, it’s titanium, it’s titanium!
ME: And can this ship go all the way down, to the bottom of the sea?
The blueprint holding scientist looks directly into my eyes, having never been more sure of anything in his entire scientific life.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST: Absolutely.
ME: Good. Oh, I almost forgot.
I reach into my bag and pull out a photo. I hand him the photo.
ME: Install one of these on the ship.
I hand him a photo of this screenshot from the film “Sphere”:
The scientist stares at the photo intently.
ME: What is that, anyway? Radar? Is that radar?
The scientist looks up at me.
BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST WHO IS NOW HOLDING A PHOTO OF RADAR: Yes. This is radar. Incredible eye, ma’am!
I smile like a leader.
FORMER BLUEPRINT HOLDING SCIENTIST WHO IS NOW RADAR HOLDING SCIENTIST: PUT RADAR IN THE SHIP, MEN!
ALL SCIENTISTS IN UNISON: AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!
ME: DO NOT BE PIRATES AGAIN.
ALL SCIENTISTS IN UNISON: SORRY!
The squid scientists scurry back to work, building the ship, at a regular pace.
ME: FASTER! GO FASTER!
The scientists begin moving in rapid motion, almost like they are being fast forwarded.
RICHARD: They’re going as fast as they can, ma’am.
I sit down in a chair, like an exhausted professor.
ME: Richard, at this point, you are my closest friend. I care deeply about your wellbeing.
I look out at all of the squid scientists building the ship like they are my strong, speedy children.
ME: I care about all of your wellbeings. Every single fucking wellbeing in this warehouse is my child.
RICHARD: Ma’am, I don’t know what that means.
I get up from my chair and begin to pace.
ME: I have faith in us, as a team. As a family, even.
RICHARD: Oh, sure, of course—
ME: At this point, we all understand each other, emotionally, and have healthy, platonic friendships.
Richard stares at me. I stare at Richard.
ME: Well, do you fuckin’ agree, or not, man?
RICHARD: Oh, sure, yes—
ME: But I’m growing tired. This is taking too long—
A scientist runs up to us excitedly.
EXCITED SCIENTIST: Ship’s done!
RICHARD AND ME: IT’S WHAT?
EXCITED SCIENTIST: Well, except for one thing…the tube has yet to be attached. We…well, we thought you’d like to do the honors, ma’am.
I walk up to the excited scientist and take him by the shoulders. I give him a gentle smooch on the forehead.
ME: Let’s put that tube on that big boat.
The scientists are gathered ‘round the gargantuan underwater ship, holding hands and humming a simple, ancient tune.
(PRESS BELOW FOR THE SIMPLE, ANCIENT TUNE)
Richard and I walk up like heroes to the big boat. A scientist drives up in an enormous crane, with the tube in its…mouth. The scientist manning the crane stares into my eyes. I stare into the scientist manning the crane’s eyes.
CRANE SCIENTIST: On your cue, Commander.
I nod.
ME: Lower the tube.
The crane lowers the tube onto the bottom of the ship. When it is aligned properly, several scientists in welder’s masks drill the tube into place. It attaches seamlessly and not in a complicated way, at all.
RICHARD: It’s complete! The tube has been attached!
CRANE SCIENTIST: There’s ONE more thing…
The crane scientist presses a button on a remote control. The tube effortlessly collapses into itself and back INTO the ship, housing itself in a little compartment. The scientists watch in awe. One removes his glasses, in disbelief.
SCIENTIST WHO REMOVED HIS GLASSES: The tube went into its house!
ALL OF THE SCIENTISTS IN UNISON: The tube went into its house!
The scientists once again begin singing, and looking at one another excitedly, with their hands on their knees and bobbing up and down.
(CLICK BELOW FOR SONG)
ALL OF THE SCIENTISTS IN UNISON AND THEY ARE SINGING AND BOBBING: The tube went into its house! The tube went into its house! Ho, ho, HEEVE, ho, the tube went into its house!
Everyone cheers. I gaze at the ship, ready to make its maiden journey to underneath the sea. Tears are in my eyes.
ME: And now we will go more down than anyone has ever gone before.
Pearl Jam’s “Alive” plays as a thin smile grows slowly on my face. A narrator, who is me, speaks over the scene as we show slow motion shots of celebrating scientists.
THE NARRATOR, WHO IS ME: And so I did it. I convinced the squid scientists to build a big boat to go all the way down and find squid. Sure, they think the urgency about the situation is that the government is threatening to no longer let them be squid scientists if they don’t find an alive giant squid.
Around 20 of the scientists become so excited they all pick up the tractor together and carrying it around while screaming with joy.
THE NARRATOR WHO IS ME: Yes, I had sunk deep into my own web of lies, caught in the vines of my own dishonesty and risking the lives of over 50 squid scientists AND myself.
NEXT TIME, ON NIGHT THREE OF SQUEEK: The journey continues with the third installment, Journey to the Bottom of the Sea in a Big Boat, where the scientists and I will take our newly built titanium(?) boat out deep into the sea with one objective: find giant squid.