Squeek Night 3: Journey to the Bottom of the Sea in a Big Boat
The journey continues with the latest installment of Squid Week.
Welcome back to Squid Week (Squeek), the week that lasts several months, who gives a shit! Let’s get you all caught up. I mean, geez, let’s get ME caught back up! What was I talking about?
PREVIOUSLY, ON “SQUEEK”:
Last time on Squeek (Squid Week), the squid scientists and I built a large titanium boat to sail to the bottom of the ocean inside of in hopes to find a living giant squid. The boat, as we all remember, has a tube attached to it so that when the…pressure…is…too much…we can all slide down the tube (which is stronger) to go even MORE down…to the bottom. Of the sea.
Remember? Here’s the boat.
Okay, on that note, we are all caught up and no one needs any further elaboration on anything because none of this is confusing. It’s Squeek Night 3, baby, let’s go.
Journey to the Bottom of the Sea in a Big Boat
INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS, HUGE TITANIUM UNDERWATER BOAT - DAY
I pace back and forth in the command center of the boat, as Meredith Brooks’ song “Bitch” plays. I look both completely disassociated and panicked simultaneously. I am wearing a custom-made shirt that says “FIND SQUID.” As I pace, you hear my thoughts.
NARRATOR, WHO IS ME: In this moment, I should feel victorious. My plan worked. I successfully tricked a group of squid scientists into thinking that they HAD to show a picture of an alive giant squid to the government in order to legally continue their research as squid scientists and that the only way to do this was build a huge fucking boat with a tube attached to it and sail all the way down to the bottom of the sea.
I stop pacing and look out the window into the ocean, ever-darkening, as we sink lower and lower into its fathoms.
NARRATOR, WHO IS ME: All to feed my own goddamn ego. I was sick and tired of there not being any goddamn photographic evidence of giant squids that weren’t fucking dead on the beach. I wanted to see them swimming around, living their huge lives to the fullest. I wanted to see them thriving. And now? I was making it happen.
“Bitch” continues to play.
NARRATOR, WHO IS ME: But rather than feel victorious, I am faced with the truth of the matter.
I kick a chair over and it doesn’t even flop over, but I DO hurt my foot.
NARRATOR, WHO IS ME: I had lived to see myself become the villain.
The big chorus of “Bitch” starts and I sing along to it, with my own words.
ME: I’M A BITCH, I’M A VILLAIN, I’M A FRAUD, I’M A CAPTAIN, I’M A--
RICHARD, my first mate and lead squid scientist, walks into the room. He is wearing an identical “FIND SQUID” shirt. I notice him and SCREAM a high pitched scream. The music stops.
RICHARD: Ma’am, I have news.
ME: Richard, I swear to god, if you’ve come to report that you just saw another fucking fish with a lantern growing out of its head, I’ll need you to get away from me immediately.
RICHARD: No, captain, it’s not that. We’ve reach the limit of how far down the boat can go. It’s time to…to…
I take a deep breath and look deeply into Richard’s eyes. Richard looks deeply into my eyes.
ME: It’s time to release the tube.
Richard nods.
INT. TUBE…AREA, HUGE TITANIUM UNDERWATER BOAT - MOMENTS LATER
The squid scientists stand in a cluster, all of them wearing the same “FIND SQUID” custom made shirts. I walk into the room like a dramatic pirate bitch.
ME: All right, men, we’ve done it. This is as far down as this ship’s gonna take us. Any questions before we all slide down the tube and go more down?
A SQUID SCIENTIST: Are we able to walk down the tube or is it a slide?
ME: Slide. Next question.
ANOTHER SQUID SCIENTIST: Why is there only one raft? Does only one person get to slide down the tube on a raft?
ME: Yes, the first person will go down on a raft, then that raft will be the cushion that everybody else falls on.
ANOTHER GODDAMN SQUID SCIENTIST: After one person slides down the tube, do we have a signal for when it’s safe for the next person to slide down the tube?
ME: No. You just go.
All of them stare at me in silence. I roll my eyes, and take out a graph.
ME: Here. See? This is what it will look like.
ANOTHER FUCKING SQUID SCIENTIST: But won’t that mean that we’ll all just end up in a pile at the bottom of the tube?
I sigh deeply, annoyed because I didn’t expect this many fucking questions.
ME: Did you forget about the raft?
THAT SAME SQUID SCIENTIST: No…but can one raft be a cushion for 14 guys?
ME: Of course one raft can be a cushion for 14 guys. Aren’t you a scientist?
THE SAME SQUID SCIENTIST, AND NOW HE IS HURT: Why are you being rude at me?
I ignore this because I’ve decided that questions are over now. And also, get over it.
ME: Has the tube been released?
RICHARD: The tube has been released and is in position.
ME: Let’s do this. Everyone into the tube!
The scientists gather around the tube’s entrance, which resembles a water slide at a water park that you go down on a raft. Richard and I position ourselves on the raft, and get ready to slide down the tube.
ME: Richard and I will lead. Everyone else, follow after. Just jump the fuck down the tube. Got it?
ALL OF THE SQUID SCIENTISTS TOGETHER: GOT IT.
ME: READY, MEN?
ALL OF THE SQUID SCIENTISTS AT THE SAME TIME: FIND SQUID.
My mouth slowly forms a thin smile.
ME: Find squid.
Richard and I push off, and fly down the tube! We scream as it rushes down. My face contorts into pure maniacal power, just as it does whenever I ride the Matterhorn at Disneyland.
RICHARD, AND HE IS GLEEFUL: THIS IS JUST LIKE RIDING THE MATTERHORN AT DISNEYLAND.
ME: YOU’RE WRONG, RICHARD.
RICHARD: I’M SORRY.
As we continue to slide down the tube, the ocean around us is getting darker and darker.
ME: RICHARD IT’S DARK AS SHIT.
RICHARD: Just as you suspected it would be!
I whip out a radio and speak into it.
ME: Lower the huge lamp!
SCIENTIST ON THE OTHER END OF THE RADIO: Lowering the huge lamp, captain!
As Richard and I continue to slide down on the raft, a light appears from above, outside of the tubee. Richard and I look up, and—in pure cinematic fashion, the surrounding dark water is illuminated, as if heaven itself was swaddling us—a GIGANTIC FUCKING LAMP, attached to the boat by a rope, lowers into the sea.
RICHARD, AND THE SKIN ON HIS FACE IS PULLED BACK BECAUSE WE ARE SLIDING SO FAST: IT’S BEAUTIFUL.
I look up to see a large number of scientists free-falling down the tube above us. And they are gaining on us.
ME: RICHARD, IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN MAKE THIS RAFT SLIDE FASTER?
RICHARD: NO!
The scientists falling down above are VERY close now.
ME: WELL, HERE THEY ALL COME I GUESS.
The scientists make contact with the raft. All 14 scientists plus Richard and me are now piled on top of each other on one raft, plummeting to the bottom of the sea in a tube, all of us screaming. From far away, we resemble a massive flailing creature with the voice of 16 people high-pitched screaming, falling down a tube next to a huge lamp that is matching our pace.
Several minutes later, the raft lands at the bottom of the tube, and all of the scientists flop all over each other.
ME: Everyone okay?
ALL OF THE SCIENTISTS: I am perfectly fine!
ME: Great. Well, here we are.
We look around the bottom of the sea, illuminated by the lamp. It looks like pure shit.
ME: Looks weird down here.
ONE OF THE SCIENTISTS WHO IS SCRUNCHED UP AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE TUBE: Look, it’s a lantern fish!
Another goddamn fish with a lantern sticking out of its head swims by and all of the scientists go “Oooh.” I roll my eyes and peer out into the water. I notice a partially eaten lantern fish next to a big pile of sticks that looks like a…
ME: Nest.
RICHARD: What?
ME, AND I AM PROUD, BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT: They DO live in nests.
RICHARD: What lives in nests?
ME, AND I AM STARING AT THE STICKS, IN AWE: Giant squids.
ONE OF THE SCIENTISTS WHO IS EAVESDROPPING, FUCK HIM: No, they don’t.
I point at the sticks.
ME: Then how do you explain THAT, DAVE? HM?
THAT SAME SCIENTIST WHOSE NAME IS DAVE I GUESS: That’s just sticks.
ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Squids don’t live in nests!
All of the scientists begin to get agitated.
A SCIENTIST WHO FORGOT TO EAT A SNACK: I’m hungry! Can I go back up?
RICHARD: Everyone, relax--
DAVE THE SCIENTIST: Squids don’t live in nests. Squids don’t live in nests!
All of the scientists start screaming about squids not living in nests. Richard tries to calm them down. I stare at the sticks, not blinking. Another lantern fish swims by.
ANNOYING SCIENTIST WHO LOVES LANTERN FISH: Look, the lantern fish is back--
ME: If I hear ONE MORE THING about a GODDAMN LANTERN FISH--
The lantern fish is slapped against the tube, startling everyone.
A SCIENTIST: What was that?
The lantern fish flops around on the ocean floor, injured. A shadow looms.
DAVE THE SCIENTIST: Uh…guys?
Tentacles appear from the dark, grabbing the lantern fish. The tentacles drag the lantern fish along the ocean floor. The gigantic creature moves into the light and…
RICHARD: It’s a giant squid!
Everyone watches in awe as the giant squid drags the lantern fish.
ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Where’s it taking it?
The giant squid drags the fish toward the pile of sticks. I watch intently and not blinking, a smile growing on my face.
DAVE THE SCIENTIST: It’s…taking it to the…
ME, AND MY GOD AM I SMUG: It’s taking it to its nest.
A bunch of other giant squids swim out of the huge stick nest!
RICHARD: It’s a family!
The family of squids gather ‘round the lantern fish, in a circle, like it’s dinnertime. They politely pass around the fish and chomp it down. I watch as my dream is realized.
NARRATOR, WHO IS ME: Maybe I was wrong to force this bonkers mission upon a bunch of people I lied to about absolutely everything. Maybe I put a bunch of geniuses in danger for my own gain. Sure, I had become the villain. But in this moment, it didn’t matter anymore. Because there they were right in front of me.
“Bitch” by Meredith Brooks begins to play again as a slow close up happens on my smirking face until the shot is just of one of my eyes, and it is gleaming.
ME, WHISPERING DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA: And they lived in nests.
NEXT TIME, ON SQUEEK NIGHT FOUR: We take a brief intermission and break up this exciting undersea adventure with Beast Mode: An Examination of the 1996 Epic Giant Squid Miniseries The Beast, the story of a giant squid getting pissed off because its son is captured. Then, stay tuned for the epic conclusion of the undersea journey you just read (by choice) in SQUEEK NIGHT FIVE: SQUEEK NIGHT THREE PART TWO.