Welcome to your fourth edition of news. Today, we celebrate the official arrival of summer and all the yearly thrills that this particular day brings!
Summer is the uncomfortable season of grills and sand. Tubs of water, legs, and other themes are arriving! Personally, I love summer because I love being uncomfortable. Every year, on the first day of summer, I open my window and give a mournful growl at the neighborhood, letting them know that I have been defeated and will accept my fate of being warm.
The rest of the day, however, is, as usual, action packed—there is no time to be upset. Throughout the day, we are greeted with each annual milestone of the season:
A Morning Dance (7 am)
When the sun rises on the first day of summer, we are all woken up by the familiar tune of “Walkin’ on the Sun” by Smash Mouth. The time is here, and all of us are ready: We throw on our tank tops and little shorts, and head outside to the middle of the street, where the neighborhood performs an elaborate choreographed dance together, as Smash Mouth booms from the ground. There is, of course, no need for a rehearsal, because all of us know the dance by heart—we’ve been doing it since the first summer we were alive.
The Arrival of the Grills (10 am)
It’s only a matter of time before the grills will arrive. They walk down the streets, on their legs, as the sky begins raining hot dogs. In certain neighborhoods where there is more room, the grills will arrive by plane. The planes land, and the grills walk off the plane down some stairs, single file, as “All Star” by Smash Mouth plays everywhere, all at once, on loop. The grills climb over fences and into yards and apartment courtyards.
In some neighborhoods, where there is no room for a plane landing, many grills are dropped out of blimps or large helicopters, attached to automatic parachutes. In others, a parade of the loudest motorcycles you’ve ever heard in your life roll down the street, each with a little sidecar attached to it, a grill seated inside.
In mountainous areas, the grills arrive by stampeding over the hills. From the safety of your home, you can observe the sea of grills sprinting over the horizon and down the mountain, where they will each take a yard of their own. It is important to remember to stay inside of your homes during this time, as everyone knows. But this usually isn’t a problem because everyone is so sweaty from the large morning dance and recuperating indoors!
The Flight of the Swim Stork (1 pm)
A stork distributes bathing suits to every home at precisely 12 pm, one per household. If there is more than one person in your home, you must hide them to save the stork from embarrassment. When storks are embarrassed, they become aggressive, and might think that you are making fun of them by having a child or a husband. This could cause the stork to grab your husband with its legs (and forget that it has to distribute the rest of the bathing suits!).
Each summer, a new stork is assigned this task. It is the highest honor for the species. Once your suit is received, you will perform the regular ritual of tying it to a broom and waving it like a flag out of one of your windows, signaling to your community that the stork has prepared your body for the season!
The Pants Baskets Have Already Been Prepared (3 pm)
By this time, everyone has, of course, already placed all of their pants in baskets outside of their homes, and the raven assigned to your cluster of houses picks them up with its beak and takes them to his tree, where they will be kept until Halloween.
The Sky War Commences and Promptly Stops (5 pm)
By now, the sky has already caught fire and the battle between heaven and hell has begun. This is of course because God always wants it to be Christmas, and Satan is like, “Come on, man, it can’t always be cold,” and then God’s like, “Yeah, that’s true,” and he pours a big bucket of water over the sky, putting out the fire, and no one really fights at all because it’s not a big deal.
Dinner (7 pm)
When the sky is regular again, everyone goes outside and collects the remaining hot dogs from the ground into little baskets and prepares a summer’s dish for their family. The season has officially begun, and everyone is warm. Welcome to Summer.