the bran muffins are gone but a familiar sparrow has shown up
hello.
i walked into trader joes and immediately spotted an employee wearing a shirt with a familiar illustration on the back of it. it was a sparrow, with its hands (that's right, hands, human hands) behind its back. and i knew that sparrow. how, you ask?
it’s this.
i circled him, so that you can know which one.
this is literally, right now, the background of my lock screen. except, to be clear, the shirt she (the employee) was wearing had his full body on it. this bird is named sparrowson, and he is the secondary character in aviary attorney--an online game i have been meaning to buy, but actually have just watched the trailer over and over and over for, because it is, singlehandedly, The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Seen In My Life.
please, watch the trailer here. do yourself a favor.
now! back to business. why is the bird, the exact bird, from aviary attorney, the game, on the back of a trader joe’s EMPLOYEE shirt? it has to be one of two things.
possible scenario #1
the first scenario is that the artist who drew the game aviary attorney ALSO draws the trader joes frequent flier. i wouldn’t be surprised—they’re very similar, really, and, more importantly, they are both Extremely Good. it could be the same artist! it could be that!
there is a second, more sinister scenario, however.
possible scenario #2
the second possibility is that trader joe himself has stolen the likeness of sparrowson and is using it on his employees' t-shirts. now, perhaps they (trader joe's) have the rights. but what if they don’t? that’s the scenario i’m talking about. i mean, it makes sense—who, ever, in the existence of the planet has heard of aviary attorney, the game for just your computer, where birds are lawyers? hell, i only heard about it since my friend got a targeted ad on his Facebook for it (which, by the way, he saw immediately upon me walking into the room—coincidence? no. we’re being tracked, always. but who gives a shit about that, i have better things to think about, like this!)
anyways, in that moment, my brain, which there IS something wrong with, was fixated on getting to the bottom of this. THIS is it. this is my calling! i had to figure it out. why, you ask? let's pretend you asked that. well, other than the fact that it is extremely important, in general, there is another factor in all of this that i have yet to mention: trader joes recently (as in, maybe a few days ago) stopped selling my favorite bran muffin. not only is it my favorite bran muffin, i’d go as far as to call it Literally One Of My Favorite Foods. i’m serious. who’s favorite food is a fucking bran muffin? mine, man. get over it. it happens.
how is this connected? i’ll tell you. if trader joe did indeed steal the likeness of sparrowson for his shirts, and only i know about it, then i have collateral over them… i think. do i? yes. i do. right? whatever, i know the true identity of the bird on the back of their shirts, and, perhaps, if i use that against them, i can get them to… bring the bran muffins back, sorry, is this blackmail? is that what i’m saying i want to do? i’m saying i want to blackmail trader joe’s the grocery store. that’s what i’m saying? wow, okay, we just got really serious here, but it appears that this is exactly what i am saying! i—okay. sure. sure, let’s go with that, sure! i am going to black mail trader joes.
wait. can i get in trouble for even SAYING that? is anyone a lawyer? can i be sued for this? for my plan, can i be sued for my plan, for blackmail? for blackmailing a grocery store? okay, well, here’s the thing: i don’t want to go to jail. how about we forget this whole thing happened? i take it back. i won’t blackmail a grocery store.
am i giving up already because i don’t want to go to jail? yes. am i also giving up because my friend, tara, just told me that those drawings are creative commons sketches from a long time ago and everyone is free to use them? that’s. that’s actually why. yeah, that’s the reason.
call it off! call the whole thing off, fuck it! fuck it!
i'll talk to you later when i have a different plan for something else.
good evening,
audrey
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Twitter: @audipenny
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