The Dog in Peter Pan Distributes Medicine to Children
And other things I learned watching old Disney movies during Shit Week 2024
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The night after the election, I watched the live-action Dumbo movie in an enraged yet gentle trance and reviewed it here. Doing this made me feel, against all odds, Not Bad. So I started ONLY watching (very old) Disney movies all week because, geez, these would probably really help boost my spirits, right? Certainly they would provide me some comfort in a time of darkness.
…Sure. Yeah! They did. But there was something about them I didn’t remember, having not watched them in MANY years: They are Completely Fucking Insane. THEY ARE BONKERS. LMAO. WOW! I mean, WOW, truly! I forgot! I internalized these when I was, like, four! That’s crazy!
I know this isn’t news to anyone, nor is it news that many of these classic cartoons are…very problematic…but, good LORD, I forgot they were like this. Just completely batshit.
I say that with love and with horror.
Peter Pan
I mean, we all know this one is famously racist (god), but the first glaring red flag that slaps you in face .3 seconds into the film is that there’s an overworked and clearly VERY stressed out Saint Bernard in charge of an attic full of children. Not good!
I cried on this ride at Disneyland when I was four and I stand by that.
Snow White
Dude, woodland creatures are OBSESSED with this woman. Seriously, they are bending over backwards for her, oh my GOD. She’s just, like, walking by and all 400 of them are tumbling over each other out of the woods trying to follow her. Get a fucking grip, guys.
To be honest, I’m not really all that impressed with her fucking prince? He’s sort of a ham who takes over her songs and acts like they were his songs all along. Like, bitch, she said she’s wishing for the one she loves to find her, not find her AND take over her whole damn musical number. This film was how I found out about death.
Pinocchio
Look, I get really rude in this one. The cricket really pisses me off, man. Sorry! He keeps trying to fuckin’ make me a part of this. Like, look, man, when YOU wish upon a star, maybe your shit comes true, but when I do it, the star usually just flips me off.
Chaos. This movie is pure chaos. I was AFRAID. I shouted “oh no” multiple times and NOT in an “I’m having fun” sort of way. And I’m supposed to be uplifted by that cricket, I guess, but, sorry, it backfired. He’s annoying! Truly it can’t get worse than this.
Dumbo
(Holding head in hands) I stand corrected.
Man, that’s a whole damn movie about everybody being mean to literally the cutest, mutest little creature in existence. I mean, THANK GOD Dumbo finds his mommy again at the end of this and they drive away together in a train (spoiler, sorry) because otherwise, I wouldn’t have known what to do with myself. Every movie should end with the main character driving away on a train with their mommy, in my opinion. But that’s a different essay for another time.
I also watched Lady and the Tramp but honestly the only thing I had to say about it was that if Lady wants to sleep in the bed with her parents, let her. LET LADY SLEEP IN THE BED WITH YOU. Take it from me, the woman who lets HER dog sleep next to her HEAD. And sometimes? She KICKS me in the head. And I stir slightly and say, “Good girl,” and rug her rump.
For more reviews, follow me on Letterboxd, and RIP to my fucking ridiculously huge 4+ years long thread of movie reviews on Twitter. RIP to a lot of shit, actually. Stay resilient, folks.