The time has come and the eve of the Loud Holiday is once again upon us. If you know what is good for you, by this evening you’ll be slapping a bag of burgers over your shoulder and begun stomping over to your friend’s big house. No need to bring the buns, of course.
That’s the job of another!
And now, it’s time for the famous tale of USA Santa and His Summertime Flight for the Loud Holiday—for it occurs tonight! It, of course, goes a little something like this…
USA Santa and His Summertime Flight for the Loud Holiday
On July 3rd, the Eve of the Loud Holiday, USA Santa Claus wakes up from his slumber, his eyes glowing red, white, and blue. He looks at his calendar and proclaims, in his true voice, “Hark, it is the eve of the day of the screaming sky where the cooked meats will roll down the hills and into the mouths of the USA people.”
He gets into his sleigh, no reindeer in sight, for during the summer in their place is a shark, who turns to Santa and calmly exclaims, “My week is arriving soon.”
Santa nods and replies, “The only thing that stands between you and your Week, is this job. Just as it is every year. Famously.”
The shark stared at Santa with its black eyes and said, firmly, “All of the other sharks are named ‘Big Boy,’ but my name is ‘Huge Clown.”
Santa sighs. “Yes, I know. I fucking know that by now, you say it every year.”
“I don’t even remember you!” the shark shouts.
"STOP IT. STOP SAYING that to me. You do this every year,” Santa slaps back.
And then the boys have their yearly summer argument about the shark not remembering all of the other years he has done this and USA Santa having to refresh his memory. The fight always ends in an embrace.
“I do remember now,” says the shark.
“And so now let us fly,” Santa replies.
And with that, the shark whose name is Huge Clown takes off into the air, leading USA Santa’s summertime sleigh, as Santa screams not “ho ho ho,” but just a regular scream, as high pitched as you’ve ever heard a gentleman screech.
Throughout the long night, USA Santa lands upon the grill of, not every American, but every American Who Loves The Loud Holiday. All of those severe countrymen who love to watch the sky scream while standing outside for many hours and eating a bad burger will have a bag of buns deposited into their backyard, awaiting them on Loud Holiday Morning.
In the morning, as USA Santa and Huge Clown the Summertime Shark drop the last of the bags of buns, the sun rises and the sounds begin. Those who enjoy the Loud Holiday wake up already screaming. They throw open the doors to their backyards, and find their bag of buns awaiting them, immediately pouncing upon them like rapid celebrators.
Noise radiates out of the ground. Apartment dwellers pull their windows clean off, press their huge sound systems up to the gaping rectangles where their windows used to be, and blast music specifically from 2002. A washing machine flies through the air, thrown off a roof by a man who has been practicing for this exact moment since July 5th last year.
USA Santa and Huge Clown the Summertime Shark race through the sky, dodging the fireworks that are already blasting through the sky at 6:02 am. The ground below them shakes from the sounds, a mixture of explosions, shrieks, Smash Mouth, and more washing machines flying off roofs. At 6:05 am, everyone kicks down their own doors at the same time and sprints into the street carrying a basket of meat while screaming.
The Loud Holiday has officially commenced and thanks to USA Santa and Huge Clown the Summertime Shark, no backyard is bunless.
“Happy Loud Holiday to All, and to all a Fat Bag of Buns for your Beef!” Santa screeches to the sounds of chaos and cheers from below, as the people stampede to all of their friends’ houses.
By 7 am, the duo is back at the North Pole after a hard night’s annual work. Santa climbs into his cleansing tube where he will slumber for several months as he is washed of all patriotism. Huge Clown the Summertime shark flops into the icy cold waters where he forgets literally everything he has ever thought, immediately.
Another successful Loud Holiday in the books, and it was good.
Where are my buns?
HUGE CLOWN