the news is back and i am here to let you know that
dear readers,
i received a reply to last week's shit, requesting an update to last week's tale of the denial of the KTLA local news station to my household.
this reply was from my mother:
that's right--seven days after the sending of the original email, and 2 days after I texted her that it was back and she immediately called me on the phone to wish me a congratulations, she replied to my newsletter that she received in her email, apparently forgetting everything we talked about (more likely she was just prompting/tricking me into send this very email, which i fell for. what can i say, i love my mommy!!!!!!!! get off my ass!!!!).
so! i turned on my television on friday morning, expecting to see the shitty announcement they had running on there for a full week and then, like, turn to the today show or something (horrible--have you ever spent a full week watching the today show for even 20 minutes a day? this is what makes people sick. this made me emotionally sick. they were talking about real news i already know because all i do is read the news all day. horrible. HORRIBLE. i don't want to see this before i even GO to work).
there was one video i was interested in that they discussed on the today show, and honestly? they fucked it up.
they have managed to make footage of a walking car, albeit not REAL footage, but a demonstatrion, completely uninteresting. when the story began, i was like, "oh!" and then by about 12 seconds in, i was like, "ugh" and continued eating my english muffin over the stove. christ, who gives a shit. you guys obviously don't even care about this! if this were KTLA, one of the anchors would be saying something like, "i'm glad my car doesn't do that, i'd be weirded out!" and then another one of them would begin IMPERSONATING the car and, like, climbing on the desk or some shit. not just "telling the news story." boring! i hate it.
here are other things i did with my mornings sans local news
i can't remember. every morning i woke up, blacked out, and suddenly i was at my car and it was time to drive to work. what i do remember, despite my blind rage, is that it was all hot people without any emotion reading the news and no one cared about anything.
but! that all changed friday morning. here's my boy, sam, clearly jazzed as fuck about being back in everybody's homes.
and here are all of the photos i took of myself, cleanly placed together in a collage, watching the local news that morning, like i was at a concert.
yikes! that's frightening! what is WRONG with me? it is also to be noted that i listened to "(i've had) the time of my life" on loop, all day.
this video isn't even interesting! it's not! i'm just so glad it's near psychotic! i was enjoying life that day, my friend, just a fantastic mood. i loved everything! truly, what is my fucking problem? incredible!
i will leave you with sam, making a phone call to literally everyone in the building and telling them that it is time for everybody to stretch together. the only good part of this video is the very end, where he weirdly slams his leg onto the desk.
anyways. that's the update. the news is back, and i am whole once again.
i hope you didn't read this and have a nice day.
bye,
audrey farnsworth
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Twitter: @audipenny
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