The Steller's Jay is a Menace to Modern Society

Your third edition of news has arrived. "N3ws," if you will.

Hello, and welcome to your third edition of news. You love to receive news and I love to gently toss it at you.

Today, I will be spreading the word about an issue that is very important to me. Something in which there is what seems to be zero awareness of in communities across the nation, as well as in my own.

This issue is the Steller’s Jay.

The Steller’s jay is a bird native to the mountains of Central America and western North America, but more importantly, it is a large clown from hell that serves chaos on a shitty, splintered platter to all entities of the woods.

A truly monstrous creature, the Steller’s jay can often be found screaming out of its trumpet mouth at 5 am, practicing the car alarm it wrote. Its voice can only be described as “if a chain link fence could scream.” Imagine a trumpet that got stuck in a garbage disposal, removing all beauty from its sound and leaving behind a rattled, hateful screech. Loudest piece of shit on the west coast! I’m not sure how that sound got into that small yet stout little body, but I do know it’s Satan’s work.

His voice, however terrible, is not his only offense, though. Observe this diagram I made of the Horrible One:

Look at him! We are talking full crown head and fan ass. This bird looks like a high school bully. Look at his head! It’s got a mohawk! It looks like it just got off its shift at Hot Topic and is on its way to the food court to bully an employee on her lunch break at Panera Bread. This bird looks like the guy from my middle school who was friends with the girl from my middle school who wanted to kick my ass because my mom once told her to be quiet at a talent show. This is not singular to me! Lots of people have been in this situation and see this bird as this!

The only thing missing from the above diagram is the inside of his head, which is pure hell. There’s just hell in there! The real one!

You want proof? I’ll give you proof. Now, it’s one thing to bother me at 5 am. Who gives a shit? I’m just a guy. It’s a whole other thing to attack those who are at a vulnerable time in their life, as they practice flying for the first time after leaving their nest. I am, of course, talking about Spirit the eaglet. Wonder girl of the Jeffrey Tree nest, princess of Big Bear Valley, new flyer of the skies.

Now, Spirit “Little Boat” Beakingbonk (her full name) only recently started flying. This has, apparently, agitated the Steller’s jay to the point of it following her around and trying to smack her on the head.

What’s your end goal, my man? Jump around like a maniac until this newly flying bird—who is MUCH larger than you, by the way—is like, “Wow, this guy is terrifying. I better leave the whole woods. I think they belong to him!” Is that it? Dumbass?Someone new flies sort of near you and you just lose your entire mind, flopping your ass around on every branch as an act of intimidation? Is there a car engine stuck in your throat, by the way?

The Steller’s jay thinks he just, fucking, owns the whole woods. He’s offended by everything. He’s the neighbor on Nextdoor who freaks out about every goddamn situation, ESPECIALLY if it’s not even an actual situation at all. He’s like, “Somebody left some rocks on the sidewalk. There aren’t supposed to be rocks on the sidewalk, they’re supposed to be in the yards. ONLY. I could step on that! This is insane! My father stepped on a rock once and his whole foot just fell off! Put the rocks in the YARDS or I am CALLING the POLICE.”

This is where my case becomes less personal and more factual, believe it or not. Which is why we will momentarily be switching to a court scene, where I will provide evidence as to why the Steller’s jay is a chaotic clown from the depths of Hades.

INT. A REGULAR COURT - DAY

A lawyer, ME, drags a gigantic TV set from the 90s on a little table to the court’s…stage.

ME: Gentlemen and queens of the court, I would now like to provide you with evidence of the defense’s crimes.

The Steller’s jay smugly sits at the defense table, on a chair, like a regular guy, next to its lawyer.

JUDGE: Proceed.

I flip on the TV and put in a tape of a YouTube video. As it plays, I speak.

ME: As you can see, the Steller’s jay is harassing Spirit the eaglet for nine full minutes, repeatedly dive-bombing her, in her own nest. That’s not his house!

DEFENSE LAWYER: Objection, your honor, my client doesn’t know where its house is. It just goes.

ME: OBJECTION to HIM, actually, because “just going” doesn’t excuse your client of his crimes! You can’t just go and BONK whoever you want on the head! That’s chaos! And more importantly? It’s rude.

JUDGE: Sustained.

ME AND THE DEFENSE LAWYER: Which one?

JUDGE: I’m not sure.

We don’t need to finish this scene. I obviously won the case. But despite the fact that I have all the evidence necessary to send this motherfucker straight to jail until space eats the earth whole, not everyone fully understands the depths of this bird’s hateful soul. They see the Steller’s jay, and they’re like, wow. That is beautiful! Look at this beautiful bird, with its vibrant body and little crown. IN FACT, this EXACT statement was said recently in the Friends of Big Bear Valley Bald Eagle Live Nest Cam chat:

SOMEONE IN THE BALD EAGLE LIVE NEST CAM CHAT: omg what is that precious blue bird?

Ma’am, look at me: that is no precious. That is a steller’s jay, and make no mistake, that bird would sell your soul to Satan for the price of one compliment about his horrible trumpet mouth.

Alas, I can’t control the fact that people just don’t get it. There’s always going to be someone in a chat asking who that cute little bird is. There’s always going to be a guy on Twitter who replies to your 15-tweet-long thread of accusatory Steller’s jay statements claiming that there’s actually another bird who he thinks is worse. That’s just life.

We know the truth, though. There isn’t a worse bird. I welcome you to make your voice heard, and share the truth of the Steller’s jay with your community. Sing it through the streets, my friends, and become a town crier of what is right. And if anyone knows law and can tell me how to sue a species of bird, you know where to find me.