There Were So Many Guys in Oppenheimer, I Forgot Einstein Was Real

It’s the huge Oscar evening and in honor of this I am going to embarass myself.

When I watched Oppenheimer for the first time a few weeks ago, something happened to me. Something…disturbing.

Now, to give myself the benefit of the doubt, it’s possible (probable, even) that I was just very overwhelmed by the HUGE amount of guys I was introduced to throughout the movie. Every male celebrity alive was in this! I didn’t even know that many of them were allowed to be in one film. It was like they were pouring out of a faucet and into my living room, just the Largest Pile of Guys you’ve ever seen and all of them are famous.

I mean, geez, all those guys walk into my brain and, frankly, there’s no more room for anything else, y’know? So, yeah, of course I start forgetting stuff. I have a normal sized head that can only fit so much information at one time.

So, anyway, the movie’s playing and my head’s filled to the brim with guys, right? And a lot of these guys keep talking about Albert Einstein like he’s their friend (before he shows up as a character in the movie). And this, for whatever reason, wouldn’t quite enter my head good. I didn’t fucking know why these guys kept acting like they knew Albert Einstein!!! I turned to my boyfriend and said, VERY annoyed, “Why do they keep talking about Einstein?” and then laughed and said, “Is Einsten IN this?” And my boyfriend said yes.

I snapped my head in his direction.

“What? No he’s not,” I said.

“Yes, he is.”

“That’s impossible,” I replied.

He stared at me as the mouse peddling the bike that makes my brain go inside my head started panting.

“Why? He died in like 1955,” he said, perfectly knowing when Einstien died, as you should.

“No he didn’t,” I said, not actually knowing what I was saying anymore, as the mouse peddling the bike inside of my brain started to pass out from exhaustion.

“Yes, he did. This was when he was alive.”

I stared at him as all of the blood left my head and went down into my legs and ass.

“WHAT?” I SCREAMED.

It was a spiral down into the sea after that for me, folks. I was done for. You know those tornadoes that are in the ocean that go down? What’s that? A cyclone? God, I’m not looking it up, WHATEVER, mentally I was sucked down into one of those things—a sea tornado that goes down—and I never came back up.

But for some reason I kept talking!!!

“I thought he was from the 1700s,” I said, as my whole face turned into a clown head.

Now, at this point, it should be noted that as I say this, I am laughing so hard it’s like I contracted a disease where you cannot physically stop laughing because why was I saying these sentences???????? Why did I think these things? The moment those thoughts slid down a slide and out of my mouth, I knew there was something off about them!!!

The argument was brought up to me that there were photos of Einstein, so how could he possibly “be from the 1700s?” But at this point, I didn’t need to be proven wrong—I knew it was fucking wrong.

“What about the famous photo of Einstein sticking his tongue out?” I was asked, to which I immediately replied, to my own shock, “I thought that was fake.”

Okay, so at this point, I had figured out what was happening. I didn’t REALLY think the very famous photo of Einstein was fake. It’s just that I had seen so many photos of him for my whole life so often that I think it made him explode in my brain to the point where I subconciously no longer thought of him as real at all. AND ALSO THERE WERE SO MANY GUYS IN THIS MOVIE THAT IT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO FIT EVERYTHING IN THERE. Something had to go and that thing was “knowing about Einstein.”

When Einstein actually showed up as a character in the movie, I cannot even explain to you how hard I started laughing. I was crying. I was crying and laughing and hyperventilating. I was shouting, “I don’t know anyting about history” as I cry-laughed. All the while, more actors were piling into every scene. I thought I was going to pass out from laughing so hard. With every actor that walked onto the screen, I imagined more actual facts falling out of my head, just dropping like flies as all these fuckin’ guys crammed into my head.

I am fine with this being my Oppenheimer-watching experience. I mean, I certainly don’t think I saw the same movie as everyone else lmao but that’s okay. I still had a nice time.

I can’t have that many guys arriving at me in a movie on a regular basis, though.

It’s too many guys.