i’m becoming strange even thinking about it. it’s as if lightning struck my head and caused my brain to vibrate and flip over. my brain is upside down and currently glowing.
and all of this was just from seeing one fucking tweet thread.
the thought that there would ever be another mummy movie starring the man himself never crossed my mind. not even once. i spent my days in peaceful acceptance of this, watching the mummy at least 6-8 times a year, as well as the mummy returns at least twice and dragon emperor 1/2 a time. but seeing this statement jumpstarted my entire existence (thank you! that was a Car Reference). suddenly everything was new because a door appeared that previously had never been there. and it was cracked open.
not only is he open to the idea, he spoke the only words that have made sense in many, many years:
this is the essence of the mummy. fun. fucking FUN, dude! it’s like a roller coaster but a movie. it’s got the thrills AND the heart. there aren’t enough fun movies. i mean, in my opinion—and keep in mind that i’m a known dumbass—all movies should be fun (huge statement). HOWEVER, i know that this is not always possible. sometimes movies are sad or terrible or scary because sometimes life is sad or terrible or scary and these stories must also be told. i get it! i’m not a monster! i’m just probably not going to have a nice time watching them, and i prefer to have a nice time, as a choice.
THAT SAID. IF YOUR MOVIE IS CALLED THE MUMMY AND IT IS ABOUT A MUMMY COMING BACK ALIVE IT BETTER BE FUN OR YOU—and I’m sorry for being so harsh—LOOK LIKE A GOOF. Do not try to make it “cool”! Cool and fun can be friends, but cool cannot be taller than fun.
“cool cannot be taller than fun.” - audrey p. farnsworth
when you try to make a fun thing more cool than fun, you look like a goof. and that’s simply math. i’ve been long angered by the tom cruise mummy movie. please see the evidence below.
it’s the one movie that has ever caused me to be rude to films. i am not normally rude to them! i try to find some joy in everything i watch because otherwise why the fuck am i watching it? what am i doing? every film is a miracle. it’s my job that i gave myself and am not paid for to figure out why.
“every film is a miracle.” - audrey p. farnsworth
every film but the mummy starring tom cruise. however, i will not hate any more time being rude. it hurts me! let’s get back to what really matters most:
if this actually happens, it might kill me. i’m aware of that. it’s okay! i’m okay with it. these are just a few of the situations that might arise in my life is there is, indeed, a the mummy 4 starring brendan fraser:
when it’s announced, i will crumble into a pile of bones and will need to be taken to the hospital in a little wagon to be put back together. my partner will have to wheel me in there and give them my driver’s license.
when the first looks of the movie are released online, i will need to be placed inside of a carnival ride that flips your body upside down over and over again for several days because when i look at them, all of my blood try and will punch itself up to my head, to get behind my eyes, as every blood cell will want to see the photos up close. if my body is being constantly shaken and flopped around by being on the ride, i might survive.
when merchandise is released, i’ll need to close my bank account, because if there are funds available to me, my apartment will explode. this is due to the fact that i will buy every piece of memorabilia available and it all won’t be able to fit within the walls, so it will press and press and press up against them until the whole building explodes. either that, or i will buy one single $90 exclusive promo shirt on eBay and every time i look at it, i will feel a guilt that turns my insides into milk.
i will rent a throne and hire some guys dressed as the scorpion king to carry me into the theater opening night.
when i see it for the first time, i will die. my ghost will leave my body and sit next to me and we will watch it together. when the movie concludes, my ghost will re-enter my body and then i will need to see the film again because i can’t remember it (because i was dead, so it’s like i watched it in a dream).
when i see it for the second time, which is technically still the first time (i was dead), my body will begin glowing. this will upset others in the theater and they will complain, but when i am confronted about it—through NO choice of my own,—my body will suddenly begin growing larger. this is because my body is filling up inexplicably with power it doesn’t deserve. i will grow and grow until i take up the whole theater and everyone else must exit. i apologize about this.
i won’t know what year it is for several days after seeing the mummy 4. i will simultaneously be every age i have ever been at one time and go from thinking it’s 1999 one moment to, randomly, 2016 the next.
i will see this film 75 times in theaters. i will tape myself to the wall of the theater and tell the employees to just keep it going. if they try to get me down, i’ll climb into the wall and become the phantom of the theater. no one will ever find me.
i will become confused and try to steal the movie screen when the movie is over. as the credits roll, i will walk up to the screen and try to tear it off the wall. and i will be crying.
after these initial shocking incidents, i will return to being regular. however, if rachel weisz is on board? i might not ever actually return to who i once was.