Watching Godzilla Movies Out of Order Is My Personal Rebellion Against Time Itself
Part one of a very chaotic and oddly comforting Godzilla journey
Lately I’ve been watching some of the older Godzilla movies out of order because…I have not seen them, like, ALL the way through. I know—I claim to be a Large Godzilla Woman, and yet I have NOT seen every film in its entirety? That’s right. It’s okay! You can get off my ass about it.
But Audrey, you never stop talking about Godzilla--
I know! Don’t worry about it and get off of my ass about it.
Let me tell you something. Watching all of the Godzilla films chaotically out of order is an obstacle course for the mind about time. It’s different worlds but the same world. It’s several variations of a son. It’s sequels to events that happened years before, erasing those in between…but sometimes not. Time does not matter in the Godzilla world but also time matters.
Godzilla dies but comes back and sometimes he doesn’t and his son is him now. Sometimes everyone is friends and sometimes everyone is not friends. In one movie Godzilla is slapping a doofy dragon around on an island next to a dancing child version of himself and in another he is arriving from the sea to severely fuck everyone up.
Sometimes he even looks like he is in a metal band!
What all of this chaos does is turn my brain into a beautiful circus where everything is happening and also it’s not happening. Everything just is and, usually, it’s multiple things! It’s comforting for me to watch a bunch of different realities that are also the same reality! Because, good lord, I’ve felt like I’ve been living in a thousand different realities all damn year.
There was when my mom was okay, there was when she was sick but we didn’t know what was going on, there was when she needed to be placed in a care facility for her own safety, there was when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. And inside of those realities, there was the cracking of a shared reality between her, me, and the rest of my family. Now, we lived in one, she in another, and even those are constantly in flux.
And this is all just like Godzilla and relates to him. Just kidding, it’s not and it doesn’t. Not really. However! In a way that doesn’t have to make complete sense (because sometimes things don’t!!!!), the chaos of Godzilla’s journey that is actually different journeys is weirdly validating for my disoriented brain.
I feel like this type of ongoing disorientation is probably true for lots of types of grief, but when a loved one has dementia, it’s true as hell. You’ve lost someone who’s still here. The relationship you had with them is weirdly gone and yet it still exists. The world you shared with them is not there anymore for them…but it is for you. Time isn’t a thing for them…and time is all fucked up for you, lol. Last week is two months ago. February was five years ago. Tomorow is…just kidding, I have NO idea what tomorrow is, hahaha.
I’m accepting a new reality—actually accepting it—while also knowing that it, too, could change at any moment because that’s what life is. Constant change and ambiguity. I’m trying to find hope in that. I think I’m almost there but I’m not pushing myself.
Instead, I’m just watching Godzilla and rebelling against time itself—all worlds are one world, and they’re not, but they are! Nobody knows anything, bitch! I’m having a nice time as a gift to myself for surviving the year my world cracked open, while also accepting that the world cracking open is a very regular part of life, actually.
And you know what? THIS—me talking like myself, in my own voice, about grief AND Godzilla AT THE SAME TIME— is important for me. That is real. That is grounding. Writing like I talk and having a nice time, reviewing movies, scream laughing, joy (generally), being fucking honest AND sincere AND completely fucking stupid…these are all things that water my heart like a little plant. And all of this—all of me—has spent a year clunkily integrating with a loss so profound it threw me straight through the air as I fuckin’ shapeshifted, lmao.
And let’s face it, getting thrown through the air as ALL OF THAT happens really jumbles up your reality!!!!!!
My mom told me once that I “am” joy. It makes me smile big to think about that. I don’t remember which reality she said that in but I felt seen and I can hold onto that as I fly through whatever more realities are coming for me. And geez, maybe one of these days, I’ll even regular walk through them!
Here’s some Godzilla reviews. More later.
Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla
Here comes Mechagodzilla and his dork employees.
Godzilla Vs. SpaceGodzilla
Okay, fine—I’ve seen this one. A LOT. Get off my ass. I’m always shocked by it!
Ebirah, Horror of the Deep
Lobster looks like shit, sorry.
Godzilla Vs. Destroyah
Destroyah sucks but in this house we adore Godzilla Junior, baby!
Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus
“Megaguirus” and ALL of his stupid bodies that he likes to leave everywhere.
Godzilla Vs. Hedorah
This guy is a fuckin’ mess, man. I guess that’s the point.
Godzilla Vs. Gigan
Huge movie for Godzilla speaking to his friends in their language, tbh.
Terror of Mechagodzilla
I am so sick of this guy!!!
Son of Godzilla
(Okay, fine, I’ve seen this one before—still including it. Whatever!)
All right, that’s it from me for you today. Let me go ahead and watch 10 more Godzilla movies and I’ll be sure to let you know about them. See you later (not a threat).