It Has Come to My Attention that a Bald Eagle Rom-Com Exists
I'm about to be VERY weird about this, get OFF my ASS.
If you told me two days ago that there was already a bald eagle-themed rom-com movie, I would’ve told you to go back to LIARSVILLE, where you BELONG, you LYING goofy LIAR. What kind of outright fib is this? There’s no way that exists, unless—and I’m sorry to say this—I wrote it myself. And I didn’t do that! I mean, not yet, anyway. It was on my to-do list (I’m not kidding), I just hadn’t FUCKING gotten around to it yet.
This isn’t to say that I’m the only person who could create such a thing. Of course not! What I am saying is that I’m this movie’s worst nightmare because—sorry in advance—I don’t think there’s a being upon this planet who’d be more critical of it IF IT ISN’T LITERALLY THE PERFECT FILM. Sorry! That’s me. I’m the freak who is here to judge it. Oh, did you think you picked a safe subject that there wouldn’t be any Star Wars-level super fans of? Think again. The huge bald eagle fan has entered the chat and she is pissed as hell! Anybody who aggressively punch-typed a rant on a message board in 1999 about how much they hated Jar Jar Binks has NOTHING on me, the woman who has a framed photo of one particular eaglet (whose name is Spirit, by the way, AND SHE’S ALSO THE BANNER OF THIS NEWSLETTER) on her wall and who is ALSO (both ironically AND not ironically, simultaneously!!!) obsessed with rom-coms!!!!
I’m normally not rude to films. Every film is a special little guy who deserves a pat on the head. But right now I am in villain mode and no one can stop me from wreaking havoc. It is clear to me that this film was not, in fact, written by a bald eagle aficionado, but more so by someone who has the ability to write movies and googled 4-5 bald eagle facts. Call me insane (and you can, it’s not NOT true!), but if a movie is going to revolve around a specific animal, it should probably reflect the real-life conservation of them, like, a LITTLE bit so people don’t, I don’t know, think they can just climb up a tree to a bald eagle’s nest and sit down in it.
What we have here is a rom-com where bald eagles were sort of arbitrarily chosen as the thing that the protagonist studies (at, like, an animal…science building…which looks like a regular office but everyone wears lab coats), so she randomly will say a fact about bald eagles (which she only calls “eagles” and not “bald eagles” like, lol, like there’s just one kind of eagle, hahahaha) that is completely out of context. Here is an example:
(An EAGLE BIOLOGIST inexplicably wearing a lab coat looks at a photo of a bald eagle on a laptop. Her BOSS walks up and points at it.)
BOSS: Hey, that’s a great shot!
EAGLE BIOLOGIST: Thanks, I’m sure you already know this but eagles became a fully protected endangered species in the 1970s.
And then he was like, “Oh, I know all about it. In 1972 to be exact, according to the press,” and she’s like, “Um, yeah, I ALSO read the press and know that.”
???????????????????
Okay! You guys at the “Wildlife Institute” both know about that that happened. Lol yes, you probably both would know about that. I’m not shocked!
Let me tell you some other things that happened.
She describes having a dream that involves eagles “floating” above her “in space.”
Eagles do not “float.” Even in dreams. If you are having dreams about an eagle “floating,” there is something deeply wrong with you and you might already be dead, actually. You should look into that. Eagles fly or soar. “Hovering” is pushing it, but I’ll allow it. Furthermore, do you think the sky is space? The sky and space are different. Were the eagles up high in SPACE? How did you see them, in that case? This dream makes no sense. You are dead, sorry to tell you.
The existence of this sentence happens.
No one has ever said anything like this before. It’s shocking. Frankly, it’s impressive that someone would put any of these words together in a sentence. I’m not being rude here. This is unlike anything I have ever seen before, in my life.
She gets SO FUCKING CLOSE to the nest AND THERE’S AN EAGLET IN IT.
This was the thing that sent me over the edge. Fully lost it over this one. This woman CLIMBS UP A CLIFF so that she can be, like, two inches away from an actual bald eagle nest and take a photo of it—with two parents and a young eaglet IN the nest.
THIS IS ACTUALLY INSANE. NO ONE would let her do that! It is dangerous for everyone involved!!!! If you cared or knew about birds at all—and especially if you were a FUCKING BIRD SCIENTIST—you would know this!!!! No one is supposed to approach an active bald eagle nest during eaglet season!!!! In fact, you’re supposed to stay 330 feet away!!!!
Actually, if you bother a bald eagle family as she did in this, you’re being illegal. Really! Under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, bald eagles are protected from being disturbed while raising their young. And if these particular bald eagles, in this Film, live so far away from humans that you have to go on a fucking trek through the woods and up a cliff to find them, THEY PROBABLY HAVE A LOWER TOLERANCE FOR HUMAN INTERACTION!!!!!! YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL!!!!! This whole movie’s objective was this! The whole objective of the movie was a bird biologist climbing up a mountain to basically climb into an active bald eagle nest and put the wildlife she preserves for a living in danger!!!!! This is insane to me.
What else could’ve happened because of this? Thanks so much for asking! Eagle parents could abandon their nest early if bothered by humans. The eaglet could jump out of the nest out of fear before it’s ready to (or can) fly. Humans are literally the number one threat to bald eagles, what is this movie trying to do to me???????? Is it trying to kill me? This movie is trying to kill me.
One of the eagles that live deep in the woods around no humans just plops down on a log next to them lol.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaaha. He just lands on the log. Hello! Landed on the log. Hello! You see, that’s what animals do. They are like friends! And it’s good that this movie lets people know about that for when they go searching in the woods to find the animals’ homes and climb in them.
The fact that this movie is called Journey of My Heart (available on Peacock, should you choose to take this…journey…) and not Soaring Into Love or—oh my god—On the Wings of Love (!!!!) is a crime. But if you’ll excuse me, I have my own bird-based rom-com to write. I’ll let you know what it’s called later (it’s O* th* W*ngs o* L*ve). Should the main characters BE birds? This is live action by the way. I would cast real birds, don’t worry. Okay, I really have to go now, I have some pacing to do as I think about this.
I agree that the movie was trying to kill you
Excellent.